The Girl with Cat's Eyes

C H A P T E R 14

I was cold

And the wind blew in my face

I moved in time to the wind and rain

And it battered at my window pane

And the window of my mind

C H A P T E R14

I don't know how long I was in there, crouched in the corner, my fingers bloody, my head pounding. I don't know how long I cried for. I can't remember. But I remember the cold that seemed to seep into my veins, and how my lips and throat felt dryer than ever. I remember how my eyes stung from all the salt tears, and how I shivered so hard, and how my teeth chattered.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't move and I didn't want to face Jesse, Sam and Lilly. Or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted to be left alone. But I knew that wouldn't happen if I came out. However I was cold and my uniform was beginning to itch. I sighed.

Bored I started to randomly play around with this new voice I had found. I would never speak in front of anyone, but I decided I would do it alone. And so I gave in to what I had felt for such a long time, the need to let myself out through music and my voice. I needed my drawing, and my writing, but I also needed to sing, more than anything in the world right then. So I did, a song I had written a few days after I had woken, after Jesse, Sam and James had carried me home.

My life is loveless

But I like it that way

It keeps my heart safe

From the endless clichés

And pain

I don't feel violated

Like before

And they say it's

Better to have loved and lost

Than never loved at all

Well, I think they're wrong

They may think I'm strong

But I'm not

I feel so small

So goddamned small

'Cause love, it never lasts

Might be a blast

When it turns up at your door

But when it leaves

You feel alone, so empty

Now there's only memories

And memories are worse than nothing at all

And they say it's

Better to have loved and lost

Than never loved at all

Well, I think they're wrong

And they think I'm strong

But really, I feel so small,

So goddamned small

So I will never go back to how it was

All those memories that remind me of what I have lost

When he left me, he took away my heart

Taught me that the only person that could keep me from loves' harm

Was me, and so I can't

I can't let old feelings come rushing back

Just because life is looking up

'Cause I'll just get hurt

All over again

And they say-

I was cut off by the sound of the door opening.

I looked up to see Jesse standing there in the door way with Sam and Lilly behind him. I started to cry again, and Jess came over to me down on the floor of the cupboard. He gathered me into his arms and I sobbed into his shirt. I clung to him like my life depended on it. And he clung to me too.

I don't know when but Sam and Lilly left us, and I was sitting on Jesse's lap about half an hour later, as my sobs subsided.

'It's okay.' he said softly.

I shook my head. 'It's not.' I whispered. Yes, I spoke to him. I couldn't hold back anymore. But I wouldn't speak to anyone else. Not even Sarah. And I'd only speak to him when we were alone. I promised myself that. He looked at me shocked.

'I'm sorry,' I started. 'I really am sorry. I know it's stupid to cry over something like this... I just... I couldn't handle it... I haven't laughed... Or used my voice since... since...' I started to cry again weakly.

He just hugged me tighter.

And then I knew I had to I had to tell him everything. I had to. I needed to. Like I told Levi, I had to tell Jesse.

'I'm going to tell you something, something you can't tell anyone else, not even your mum, right?'

'Right.'

'Promise?'

'I promise.'

And then I told him.

Everything.