The Girl with Cat's Eyes

C H A P T E R 26

Telling someone

Is always hard

There's always the fear

At the bottom of your heart

That they will just sit there

And laugh.

C H A P T E R 26

'Jess?' We were in the forest behind the house and it was a Saturday evening. I had wanted to go out, and Sarah said it was too late to go alone.

'Yeah?'

'I was pregnant.'

'What?'

I sighed. I guess they laid back attitude wasn't the way forward.

'How can you be so nonchalant about it? You were pregnant? For how long? Who with? Why past tense? Oh, lord. Is there a baby somewhere that I don't know about?' His eyes widened considerably.

'No!'

'No?'

'Yes, no!' I sighed again at the expectant expression on his face.

'I remembered something else, more recently...'

'What?'

'I was raped.'

'Raped?'

'Yeah, by Levi's brother, Liam. He stalked me for a while. Sent me loads of letters. Said Lev had brainwashed me into loving him. Anyway, I didn't realize he was that ill, until was walking home, and he was... there. Levi found him on top of me and beat the hell out'a him. And then the police came and it was all such a muddle and I felt so dirty... And it hurt so bad, physically, emotionally... Everywhere, every way. I didn't want anyone to touch me, or see me. But Levi managed to make me let him hold me. '

I saw a strange pang of jealousy in his eyes at that.

'Any way, no, there isn't a baby, 'cause when Dad beat me up a few months later... he hit my stomach... and...' I started to cry, and he stroked my hair. 'Oh, Jess, there was blood, so much fucking blood.' My voice cracked slightly. 'That was all that was left of my child. I know I shouldn't have cared, 'cause it was a product of rape, and I was fifteen, and I never even wanted it, but it would have been a little like Lev, they were brothers, after all, and even if they weren't, it would have been a little like me, too. I don't know, it's stupid, but that kid, that thing in my stomach, it meant the world to me. My unborn child and Levi, they were they only people that mattered anymore.

'Looking back, I don't think I was strong, or stable enough to have a kid, I mean, I still cut, my Dad beat me up, and when Lev died I went a little loopy, so how in heavens name would I have coped with a child? Or maybe it would have helped me cope, maybe it would have given me something to live for... I just... I just... I...'

And then I couldn't speak, I was too overcome with tears.

Jess stayed quiet, he just rubbed my back, and held me to his chest, and I fell asleep that way, Jesse and I, curled up under the branches of an old oak tree, staring up at the stars.