More Than Just a Memory

Chapter 9

I usually loved going to the airport; today I loathed it. There was a burning sense of passionate dislike deep in my being directed at every single airline employee, security officer, suitcase, carry-on, and airplane both coming and going from the Sydney airport. I slouched in one of those chairs right outside of the gate to that weird hallway thing that leads to the plane, clicking the rubber toes of my Converse together and staring at their point of impact absentmindedly. To my left sat Calum, scrolling through his feeds with one hand, and rubbing circles into the back of my hand with his other. Dave had set up a little perimeter of safety for the guys and myself to relax in while we waited for the boarding process to start, and the four of them were fooling around for the most part, waving and flashing peace signs and shakas to the fans that called their names. "Michael, I got you some pizza!", "Holy shit, hi Luke!", "Is that Ashton Irwin?", and "Calum, over here!" were just a very minute sample of the many things shouted out by passers-by. I looked at my watch for about the bajillionth time in the last hour. The little ticking hands read 6:47AM. They were going to board at 7:00.

"How about some coffee, babe?" Calum asked. He had noticed my nervous watch-checking, and gave me a soft and reassuring smile.

"Yeah, sure. That sounds good." Walking down that hallway felt good; it was comfortable in the way that all small things are comfortable. Our hands did not separate while we waited in line at the Starbucks, nor did they as we sipped on our coffee on our way back to our seats. Well, I guess you can't really call my salted caramel frappuchino with extra whipped cream a coffee, but that's beside the point.

Shortly after our arrival back at the gate, a flight attendant approached the guys and told them that it was time to board. Ashton, Luke, Michael, and Calum all stood up sluggishly and gathered their things while I stood there awkwardly watching. Once they were all set to go, each of them gave me a smile and a hug. Luke and Michael came first, Michael giving me a high-five and telling me to keep it real. When Ashton hugged me, he held me for a bit longer, just enough time for him to whisper in my ear, " He really is crazy about you. Calum, that is. Just try to bear with him because I know this is hard." I nodded in agreement, fighting back tears that threatened to breach the walls of my eyelids at his statement. I turned back to gaze upon what had to be the most painful of pouty puppy-faces, slumped shoulders and a tired stance. I walked over to Cal and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest for what I thought would be the last time. Calum's muscular arms encompassed my body, and we stood there for what seemed like an eternity. He rested his chin on the top of my head and squeezing him even tighter I said, "Have fun on your tour. Call me when you get the chance and let me know what's up." I paused for an extra moment before adding, "I love you."

Calum kissed the top of my head and said, "I love you, too. Don't ever forget it." Then he walked into the hallway, turning around to beam at me once more as the flight attendant shut the door. And then that was it. He was gone, and I'd never see him again. I waited there until the plane took off down the runway, and I let the tears flow silently down my cheeks. You know, when you are a fan of a band like I was a fan of 5 Seconds of Summer, you dreamed about being the girl that they sang about. "Wherever You Are" wasn't exactly the song I had had in mind.

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I can't lie and say that my remaining months in Australia were miserable, because they were not. I still loved my classes, Tori and I still did fun stuff, but I would also be a liar if I said I didn't wake up every day with a little pinch in my chest. The tour was going well; the boys were enjoying themselves meeting fans and talking on radio shows and according to Calum, "Every night is a blast."

Speaking of Cal, we FaceTimed as much as his schedule would allow, but the time differences made it hard to catch each other at reasonable times of the day. It was tiring, and sometimes I wished I jut didn't have to talk to him face-to-screen because I was honestly just too bushed. The calls fewer and farther between, as we sort of lost touch. We would still send each other life-update emails every once in a while, but by the time April rolled around, we barely had any contact at all. I thought that we could push past the distances, but we were only human. It was probably more my fault than anyone's, because sometimes Calum would call and leave a message and I would just listen to it and never call back or I wouldn't answer a FaceTime because I was busy doing something else.

On the day before my departure from Sydney, Tori threw a surprise party for me in our apartment. A bunch of our friends from school came and there was music and really awesome food and everyone had an amazing time. At the end of the night, I laid in bed, scrolling through my Twitter feed, and amongst all of the 5SOS updater accounts and tour-promotional tweets, I stopped and stared at one tweet in particular: @Calum5SOS "Lovin tour, but missin home and the people there. Have a safe flight back, beautiful."

I didn't know that something so small could hit you so hard. All of the memories that we shared came rushing back all at once, and I couldn't take it all. I had been such a terrible person to him recently and he still kept tabs on me. He knew that it was the night before I was leaving, and he wanted to show that he still cared even if I didn't. I looked back at my phone and took a screenshot of the tweet, and then I considered calling him right then and there. My thumb hovered over the little call icon next to his contact name and I thought about how beautiful and poetic it would be for us to FaceTime into the night and on until morning. I hit the power button, plugged my phone into the wall, and rolled over without saying anything to Cal.

Studying abroad was one of the greatest experiences of my whole life, and if I had the chance to go back in time and do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. The friends that I made, the good times we shared, and the memories that would last me a lifetime played in front of me like a movie as the wheels of my plane back to San Francisco lifted off of Australian soil and I closed my eyes and fell blissfully asleep.