Still Trying [phan/boyxboy]

X [Forgiveness]

Hi guys. What's up? :) I am sorry for updating so late, but I have a fuckload of homework and mid term exams are coming! In my apology, I will be making a few lock screens and add it to this chapter as a media. But if you want the real one, just leave a comment and I'll message it to you :)

What do you think about my new cover though? Comment what you think!

I just hope that your presence will never leave me.

[Dan's POV]

It's been a while now since I last heard Phil's voice.

I miss it. I miss it so much. Everything went on silent since that day, a few days after he played the piano.

"Everything is useless, Phil! Let me go!" I found myself in another panic attack, struggling to let myself go from Phil. "Just go, Phil! Leave me alone!"

"No Dan. Calm down. We have been through this at a minimum of 10 times, and you will do it again. Breathe in. Breathe out." Phil said, holding me tight against his chest, making me feel his own heartbeat.

None of his words made sense to me; it was the same as any normal sentence he would say. Like a simple "dinner is ready". My brain was filled with thoughts; and they were not pretty. They were blocking me from Phil.

"Phil, this is real this time. I give up! What is the use of trying?" I screamed at him, and he let me go. His eyes were fixated at mine, as silence came over both of us.

I was tranced once again, his eyes piercing deep into my soul. And all in a moment, the screams of my thoughts silenced.

"You said to me you won't give up. Why did you do it now? Already? Dan, I saw a fighter in you. You can't just give up!" He was practically screaming at me; but at the time, I refused to listen to him.

Everything started screaming again.

I didn't want to admit how truthful his words are; I just curled into a ball to shield myself. From Phil. From all the thoughts.

"Listen to me, Dan! I am taking care of you right now. You are living under my roof, my rules. And you are not giving up, and that is an order!"

The anger in his voice was visible, the softness in his voice has faded. And I can't help but feel my own temper boiling. And that's when I jumped up, pointing my finger right under his chin.

"It's my life, Phil! You were never told to come into my life, nor have you before I had my memories!" the words came flooding out, unable for me to hold back.

Phil's face became stoic, but his eyes were slowly starting to water. I can't help but melt at the sight of him tearing up; I just want to hold him. But no, I can't. I made him feel that way.

"So I never really mattered, huh? Two months of us being together, and none of it really mattered?"

I can't bring myself to answer, because I know that is what I meant, no matter how much I regret it.

"Good to know, Dan. Good to know." He said, his voice croaked, as he ran to his room, leaving me alone in an empty living room.

There was not a moment where I was not thinking about Phil, no second of silence where I felt regret continue to seep in. We have been silent to each other for 5 days, only 5 days, but it was unbearable.

I am sorry, Phil. You matter. I had to fuck up to realize that.

It was starting to get hard to understand who I really am, what I am. It feels like I am starting to get lost, dragged around by the spiral of life.

I need to find myself again.

I don't know how. I have no idea how to trail for clues, for a path, for my way to my family. But I will find my way.

And I will stop hurting Phil.

»»»»»»«««««

Moonlight shone on half my face as midnight started to take over. My eyes opened up, a little blinded by the sudden light. And I can tell, that it was time to go.

I took my bag that prepared earlier today. The bag was rather heavy, filled with supplies for a few days. I put on my converse and wore my most comfortable tee and sweatpants.

I stepped out of my room, sneaking to the corridor, only to find Phil's bedroom door to be opened.

I snuck in, looking at the tucked in Phil in the bed in front of me, hugging his plushie that he calls 'Totoro'. His face was peaceful, not blank or full of pain like I have seen for the last 5 days.

My tee was suddenly wet, and that was when I realised I had just started crying.

Oh Phil, the angel, now hurt, a because of a demonic human as myself.

I bent down, planting a soft, feather light kiss on his temple. A tear accidentally fell on his face, falling down to his cheek. I wiped it slowly with my thumb, but I continued holding his chin even though it has dried.

"Goodbye Phil. I know you won't hear this, because well, you're asleep." Great start, me. Woohoo. "But I want to tell you, that I was wrong. I do care for you, and it was stupid for me if I didn't. You are an important part of my life. You are my salvation, my rock of protection. And I am sorry, for not.. for not being able to do anything in return." I said quietly.

I loosen my grip on his chin, as my skin were no longer touching his.

I left the room, take a last peek at Phil, before closing the door.

I went over to the living room to grab his Adventure Time notebook only to pull another piece of paper.

"Phil,

I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for being such a burden. I am sorry for not talking to you in person, but I think it will be easier that way."

Easier for me, I thought to my self, as I continued to write.

"Thank you for everything. The past two months was great. But I think.. I have to find myself. I will strive, and I will stop being such a weight for you.

Much love, Dan x"

I stared at my handwriting, feeling that it was enough. I put it on top of the book, as I stood up to walk towards the door.

I opened the door, walking outside. I stared at the room one more time. I examined every corner, every detail in the room, trying to plant it in my mind.

This is where I used to be with Phil. All the good times. Through the sad times.
With that, I closed the door.

I went into the elevator, waiting silently for it to get to the ground floor. As soon as I arrived, I walked out to the lobby, where a taxi happened to just drop off a customer.

"Where you'd like to go, sir?"

I thought for a moment. "The train station, please."

The taxi smoothly drives out of the lobby, out of the apartment grounds. I stared back at it as we drove away.

Goodbye, Phil.

Until the apartment finally disappeared from my eyesight. []

Whoa. That was.. I was pretty shocked by myself. Short but sweet, right? Ha.. ha.. don't excuse yourself, Gee.

I AM SORRY. EEK.

Do you like the lockscreen? I am still practising though :) I am going to update ASAP, so more to come!

If you like this chapter, please consider giving it a vote, and maybe some comments! It's great to know what you think.

Love you al! Bai!

-gee