I'll Hold My Breath

Chapter 9

Meredith's day was a slow one. All she wanted was something to keep her mind off of Derek but unfortunately Seattle was lacking Neuro consults that day. Because of this her mind was left free to ponder the possible scenarios that could happen between her and Derek Shepherd. At first she tried to shake the thoughts out of her head but after awhile Meredith sought comfort in these thoughts. They were hers and only hers. She could walk past a crowd of people and they wouldn't know how enamored she was with the doctor.

Derek had spent the better part of his day running around the hospital looking for Meredith. He knew she was avoiding him. He just wanted to talk to her, he wanted to tell her that no one else had ever made him feel this way. As he was making his way down to the ER to see if Meredith had been hiding out there all day, Richard approached him.

"Busy, Shepherd?" Richard asked.

"Not busy enough."

"Well, maybe this will help." Richard handed him the file, "the patient is being transferred here in a few hours."

Derek looked at the contents of the folder and found the diagnosis to be pretty cut and dry. He had looked at at least a dozen cases that were the same and knew he wouldn't have a problem diagnosing and treating the patient.

"Do you mind if I consult Dr. Grey?" Derek asked.

"Do whatever you have to do Shepherd."

"I just wasn't sure if she was in today, I haven't seen her."

"I'll page her and tell her there's a consult." Richard said.

"I'll get  to work." Derek smiled and walked away.

Meredith felt relief when she felt her pager go off, and dread when she read it. She huffed and began to make her way to Derek's office to look over the patient file. At least it was professional she told herself. 

"Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith spoke at his office door.

"Dr. Grey, come on in." Derek smiled at the sound of her voice.

"Dr. Webber said you needed a consult?"

"Ah, yes, here you go." Derek stood and walked over to Meredith, handing her the file.

"You needed a consult on this?" Meredith questioned.

"Maybe," Derek began, leaning against his desk and crossing his arms, "maybe I just wanted to see me."

"Well, you know as well as I do this patient just needs a simple Craniotomy, is there anything else you need Dr. Shepherd?"

"Since you're offering -" Derek chuckled.

"Can you be professional, please?"

"Work seems the only place you talk to me so I'll take what I can get."

"What do you want to say Derek? I'm right here."

"You're driving me crazy Meredith!"

"I'm driving you crazy? Seriously Derek?"

"All I can think about is you, Meredith. I come to work hoping to pass you by. I go to bed wondering what you're doing and if you're happy.  I keep thinking about our date, how hypnotized I was by everything you did. I think about when we had sex and how is meant nothing to you. I think to myself that I have to deal with this gut-wrenching pain of loving someone who wants nothing to do with me and you go on with your life like it was nothing."

"I care about you too Derek." Meredith said softly, wiping away tears, "but I can't do this."

"Why not?"

"I just can't."

"Why, Meredith?" Derek asked, cupping her face in his hands and forcing her to look at him.

"Because I'm broken Derek, and I don't want you to think you have to try and fix me."

"You're not broken Meredith." Derek smiled and wiped a few of her tears away before embracing her tightly.