~ The One I Need ~ Johlex Fanfiction ~

Truth

His lips taste amazing, like cherries mixed with a light musk. I hold the back of his neck and pull him closer to me, and he bites my lip, causing me to shiver. I don't know what's happening, but I really, really, REALLY like it.

We unattach from the hug and I beam, "That was my first kiss..." He says, "Mine too." I stop breathing for a second, then I think of how we were alike and that wasn't exactly a bright thing, especially in the past seven years for me. Who knows, maybe he really hasn't had his first kiss yet. Well, it wouldn't matter now, now would it?

I twirl a strand of my wet, blue hair in between my fingers, hoping to catch his big blue eyes on mine. I let out a small sigh and look at the time - 4:30. I stand and clutch my hands into my hair. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck! My mom is going to kill me!" I run into the bathroom and quickly grab my clothes. I pull on my shoes, and Johnnie stares at me in wonder. To answer any further questions, I state, "If I'm not home by 4:45, my stepdad goes berserk and mom screams at me. We really need to get going. You don't mind taking me home, do you?" He shakes his head in response, then grabs his keys from the coffe table nearby. I pull my Converse onto my small feet, then we run out to his car, then drive off to my house.

~~

After about four miles of a painfully awkward silence, I state, "Johnnie, we don't have to make this weird. We can just forget that the kiss didn't happen and we can actually get to know each other as friends first before anything goes even further." He quickly glances away from the road to look at me for, like, .01 seconds, then he comments, "I completely understand, Alex." I puff out a quiet sigh and say, "Good. It didn't happen. Right?" He nods his head once and comments, "Right." I softly throw my head back against the leather seat and a slight upset expression takes over my face.

I crack my knuckles as my anxiety brings my body to become ridden with nervousness. After a few more miles, we arrive in the driveway of my house. He turns off the engine, and as soon as I open the passenger side door, he grabs me by the shoulder and says, "Alex, I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget it at all." I look back at him and stare into his dazzling, icy blue eyes. I was in a trance of ecstasy, I could look at him forever. I comment back, "I don't either. I just...I really want to know you better before we do or try something. Can we just...I don't know...be friends for a little while, then see how it goes?" He slowly lets go of my shoulder and he gently shrugs. He states, "I can live with that." I smile and lean over to kiss his cheek. "Thank you for understanding, Johnnie." He grins and says, "It just feels like I've known you forever. Have you ever had that feeling before?" I respond, not looking away from him, "Yes. Today. With you." He smiles widely and glances down to his lap. I take pride in knowing that I make him smile.

"I'll see you tomorrow at school then." I smile and beam, "Of course." We give each other a final hug before we say goodbye, then I exit the car, shut the door, then take slow strides towards the place I call home as Johnnie drives back to his house. I let a wide grin take control of my lips, then as I open the front door, I see my stepdad probably passed out drunk on the couch. Then the smile recedes and I remember where I am.

Mother takes another puff of her menthol cigarettes before taking the chance to scream at me. "Alex, where the hell where you?! I was beginning to worry! Goddamnit, I wanted you home by 4:45, and it's five o'clock now!" I groan and as I walk towards my room, she screams at me, "Where were you, damn it?!" I shouted back, "Out with a friend!" Then I slam the door behind me and let out a mild scream.

I plop down on my bed and throw my bag down on the carpeted ground. I groan into the soft pillows, and I pull my phone out of my pocket to put it on the charger. After I do, I step over the bed to my closet and take off the clothes I'm wearing for a black tank top and mid calf socks. I change, and allow myself to fall backwards on the bed. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Taking about five minutes to nap, I then feel a rush go through my stomach. Oh no...my anxiety...

I breathe a little more, close my eyes, and roll my thumbs around each other. It works, at least until the thoughts go through my head again.

"You'll never be pretty enough, Alex." "He'll never really like you." "You're worthless and ugly. No one loves you." "Your mother doesn't even care to look after you." "Cut again. Do it." "You know that you want to. It feels good."

Allowing a tear to drip down my clean cheek, I stand up and leave my room. I take a deep breath and walk into the bathroom. Quietly shutting the door behind me, I allow the stream of tears to fall. Slowly walking towards the razor on the counter, I take off my bracelets and take the pointed edge, and drag it across my wrist. I see the velvet blood drip on the porcelain white counter and I roll my head back in ecstasy. I hear a tiny voice in the back of my head say, "That's it. Go a little deeper. End it. End it now." I whimper and graze the razor against my pale skin on my wrist again. Inhaling a breath, I make another cut, a tad deeper into my arm. Then another, and another...until my mother barged into the bathroom and covers her mouth when she witnesses the blood on the counter and my arm.

"Alex, what the hell are you doing?" I quickly grab a rag and cover my arm. It doesn't take long before the blood soaks through the thin fabric. I reply, "I just...had an accident..." I fall back against the wall and gravity allows me to fall along the wall. I let screams of sadness, anger, anxiety, panic, every emotion I had out, then I sob uncontrollably. Mom bends down to me and grabs my wrist. "How long have you been cutting yourself, Alex?!" The salty tears run down my face as I respond, "I don't remember," through my loud sobs. She cradles my heads into her arms and I push her away. "Don't even try to act like you care now." She looks away for a minute. She asks, "Excuse me?" I yell, "What do you mean, 'excuse me'?! You haven't paid any real attention to me ever since you married that peice of shit! Look at him! He's an alcoholic, he beats you, he does nothing but smoke weed in the morning, drink in the afternoon, and fuck you at night! He isn't a man - he's a crock of shit that doesn't even treat you like a woman! He treats you like you're nothing, a peice of trash." She covers her mouth, hopefully coming to the realization that I was telling the truth.

"You don't understand. He's the first man that paid any attention to me after your dad left me." I comment, "He left me, too! Dad left you because you CHEATED on him for two years! Honestly, I really don't blame him." She slaps me across my sensitive cheek, causing me to yelp. She covers her mouth with both of her hands, and I glare at her with tear stained eyes. "I am so sorry, baby, I'm so sorry, I just lost it, I'm so sorry!" I inhale a shaky breath and push her out of the bathroom. I slam the door in her face and lock the door. Hitting her fists against the door, she screams, "Alex! Don't do anything stupid, please, baby! I'm so sorry I hit you, Alex! You know how I am!" I shouted back, "Yeah, I do! A heartless bitch!"

I pick up the razor again and make a diagonal cut on my arm. I make a smug grin and make another, and another's, and then another. The blood drips on to the floor, and then I begin cutting my right arm. Across multiple times, then diagonally again. I drop the razor, fall to the floor, and slowly go unconscious, giggling at the thought of the blood pouring from my wrists and onto the tiled floor. Then everything fades.