The Real Reason.

You Are Worth It.

When summer started I cried every night. I cried every day and I trapped myself in my music and my books. I pushed away my family and my friends that I had made within the family. I shoved all of my problems into a box and I didn't want to face them.

Eventually the cries turned into nightmares that haunted me every night and those turned into heart break and numbness. I just didn't care anymore. I looked at the world and I thought it would have been better off without me. I told myself that my family would have been happier without me and that everything bad would stop happening.

I thought that if I stopped breathing no one would care, if I stopped talking no one would notice, if I stopped being me that no one would ask questions. I remember this night clear as day.

I was sitting on my couch, ignoring the world as everything went by. I ignored my mom, my sister and my brother. I ignored my friend as she texted me and as she talked to me about her boyfriend, the love of her life. She talked to me less and less, she didn't answer my texts anymore and she ignored me when we face-timed it was so she could talk about her life. She didn't ask how I was or what was wrong when I rubbed my wrists and winced.

So, she texted me as I had my music in and I ignored her till I had enough. I got up as my family went their separate ways, I walked to the kitchen and I grabbed the closest knife I could find and a blanket then walked out the door to our deck. I figured if I am going tonight I want to listen to my favorite song and look at the moon. I want to go at night when the stars are out and the night is dark.

I sat out on that deck, hoping that anyone would give me a reason to stay here. That anyone would just walk out our door and hug me and tell me to stay, but no one knew what I was doing and it convinced me more to just end it.

I grabbed the knife and aimed it for my stomach, ready to plunge it and get rid of my pain and suffering, I was ready to end everything. I was so tired and burnt out that I didn't care what was going to happen to me in the future. I didn't care about what I said in middle school. I just didn't care anymore.

I looked over to the window and I saw my little sister, sitting there and happily laughing at the TV, I then saw my little brother watching the TV as well and eating his chips. They looked so happy. I reached over to the window and told my sister I was sorry. At first she was confused ... then she saw the knife and her eyes went really wide, she ran out and took the knife from me before getting my mother.

After that it was all a blur, then after three days everyone forgot. My mother forgot and didn't address the issue, my brother was mad at me because he said he didn't want to deal with my drama. My family really didn't care if I had lived or not and it shattered the last bit of me, my hope, my sanity and my soul that I had left.

I thought to myself as I laid on the couch, ignored by my family that I really should have plunged the knife into me. And sometimes I think I still should. I still think that I should have killed myself last summer, It's the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning.

But, I don't. I may think that I deserve it, that no one was there for me and no one wanted to make me smile or laugh. I thought I should have killed myself because no one told me not to, no one said I was worth all the effort and I wasn't worthless to them. That's why I am here.

I want to make sure, tell as many people as possible that they do deserve to be loved, they do deserve to be happy and feel worth everything that life has to offer. They deserve to live every day and that there is someone out there who would cry, hold you and hug you to tell you that you are special to them.

I want everyone to believe that their life is worth living to me, and that's all that matters.

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I have decided to tell the people that have read this that i would like you to spread this around. I, in no way, am asking for the pure sake of getting famous or for more people to notice me. I am actually quite terrified of this. I want you to share this story, if you could, to the people you know who you think could benefit in reading this or simply by just talking to me. 

I would like for people to step up and realize that what you have been through is NOT something you should be ashamed of. And i hope that this story will inspire you all to live one more day, fight one more day or put down the razor and tell your story so that the world will realize that we are strong, beautiful and important and that they shouldn't make you feel any other way.

Have a wonderful day all you beautiful people :) 

کuw�Eh