The Real Reason.

You Are You.

This summer I went to Tennessee to visit my great aunt and uncle. I went with my younger brother. Sister and my grandparents. I was having fun being there and actually having a good time. I smiled a real smile, I laughed a real laugh and not once did I think about cutting, did not have a sleepless night nor did I have to worry about doing the laundry or the dishes. It was a vacation that I desperately needed.

Or it was until I found out that she had a pool, and I had to wear a swimming suit. From the fifth to the ninth grade I was called a freak, ugly, stupid and fat. After all the times they had said those things I actually began to believe them and to this day I still do. I decided that I didn't have to wear one that was tight, clingy or showed too much. I chose one that was loose on me and covered all of my stomach and I wore shorts that covered my thighs.

I was fine, there were no comments and my grandparents kept saying that I looked fine in the suit and that the color was a perfect match for me. my little sister said the same thing. My little sister is only thirteen so she knows what she says and she has always been one of my main bullies.

When we were little she would call me names, as this may seem usual they weren't the good ones. She would call me fatty and she would say that I was stupid and that I was a big baby because I used to cry when I got mad. I never wanted to be the person who would punch, hit or fight when they got mad.

Now, as we of course got older the comments stopped, but the pain never did. How could it be when your own family member, your best-friend and the person you went to for everything called you fat, called you a baby and stupid. It was like she had ripped out my heart and threw it on the ground and laughed as she stomped on it.

So, I took her compliment to heart when she said that it looked nice on me, when she said I looked good. I smiled and I wore it with a smile. My sister thought I didn't look fat in the suit, she thought I looked pretty.

We then went out to the pool and we had fun. I laughed til I cried, I smiled and I even giggled a few times. I had forgotten everything and I felt good for the first time in a really long time, in years. I didn't cower in fear when my aunt wrapped me in for a hug, I didn't flinch away when my grandmother raised her hand for a high-five. I had forgotten.

After a few hours in the pool we had gone out to lunch and I was starved. I hadn't eaten in a few hours and for breakfast all I had had was 0a glass of water and a piece of toast. I hadn't eaten much and I was prepared to eat a chicken sandwich and some fries. I was sitting at the table with my sister as my grandfather took my little brother to the bathroom and my great aunt and grandmother ordered all the food. I was sipping on my water when she looked over to me and smiled.

She asked me if I was having fun and I answered truthfully with a yes. She smiled wider and nodded before she started up a joking conversation. At first it was okay, just friendly joking about silly things that we had been doing. Then, my sister made a comment about how I was swimming. I laughed thinking nothing of it and told her hers was worse, of course after words I said I was just kidding and that she would be able to out swim even me.

She smiled and looked me in the eyes before saying something I really wished she didn't. She hit me where she knew it would hurt the most and she knew it by the way she smiled at me after words that they cut me deeply.

"I'm surprised you didn't sink like a rock."

I felt the little happiness that was in me deflate and I instantly stopped frowning. Now, you may think that this doesn't sound so mean, maybe she meant that I was a bad swimmer; we were just talking about that. Well, she does this all the time. If I am the slightest bit happy she will find a way to ruin it.

If I feel good about my outfit, if I feel it makes me look good she will point out all of its flaws. She will tell me that I look like a hooker, or that I don't look good. she will point out if a strand of my hair is out of place, or if my shoes don't match my pants.

I will say this. I am not comfortable with my body so I don't show any of those areas. I will wear a tank-top so I will only show my arms and shoulder, but nothing else. I will wear shorts that cover past my thighs and almost to my knees. I wear clothes that fit me and aren't tight, I wear clothing that does not show any of my areas that should be covered. I prefer It that way because I have such low self-esteem.

Now, after she had said this to me I laughed it off asnd dismissed myself to the restroom. When I got there I made sure no one was there before I looked into the mirror for the last time and I looked at myself in utter disgust. I didn't swim for the rest of the time we were there and I still haven't. I didn't eat much except for a little here and there and I still do now.

My mother made chicken bites the other day and all I had eaten was half a beagle almost seven hours prior to that. I ate only three pieces before I said I was finished and none questioned when I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day.

When I get asked to try something or to just eat one more, I shake my head and say I am full or I say that I have already eaten too much. They usually nod it off and walk away, it leaves me crushed sometimes.

I don't want people to think that just because someone says that you aren't perfect, that you should feel the need to change. You are you and that's all you can be. You can eat a plate of food without feeling bad because it is good for you, you can wear a swimming suit because you should feel good about your body. And if anyone tells you different than you need to tell them I said otherwise.

Just because you don't wear a size small, doesn't mean you still aren't beautiful on the inside, or the out for that matter. Just because you have scars covering your arms doesn't mean you still aren't gorgeous. Just because you don't wear make-up and you have a few pimples on your face doesn't mean you still aren't amazing.

You are amazing, gorgeous, and beautiful simply because you are you.