The Real Reason.

My Story.

Have you ever felt so low, so disappointing, so... unimportant that no matter what anyone did or said it couldn't make it better? That's where I am in my life. It feels as if everything I do is not worth it and that everything is not good enough for anyone.

I try my hardest every day to be happy, to smile and laugh. I try my hardest to listen and help with everything. I try my hardest to get what I need done at school done. I try my hardest not to give into the blade or the rope or the bottle of pills that sit on my counter a few feet away. I try my hardest not to let anyone see my pain and anger and sadness. I try my hardest to help others who cry, fake that smile, and fake that laugh. I really do try, but it never seems good enough.

I come home and show off my good grades and my stories of how I helped a girl in my class who was being bullied only to get a "Do better." I come home from school and get a "Clean the dishes" or "Hey, change the laundry." I do not protest and I do not say no, I do it because I know it will make them happy that I listened, that I didn't go against them. I come home to a stressful house, filled with the lingering smell of my mother's smokes, the absences of my brother who has hidden in his room and to a sister who does nothing but through fits and get away with so much.

I finish cleaning, doing laundry and washing dishes to hear my mother yell that she does everything in the house, she is the one who cleans and cooks and how we don't help her. I do. I finish doing my homework to be met with my brother coming out of his room and getting a snack from the fridge and then returning to his room. I get home from school to be met with a mother who is sitting on the chair smoking her cigarette and talking angrily on the phone with my grandparents or my aunt. My sister walks through the door, gives me a wave and disappears into her room and doesn't come out for the rest of the night until my mother says so.

I stay home from school because I can feel the sadness and pain digging into my soul and fighting its way into my heart. I stay home and focus on the fact that my sister, little brother and mother are all somewhere else. I stay home to help me inside, but no one understands this. I Stay home and my grandparents find out.

My grandparents find out that I stay home and they yell. They yell at the fact that I didn't go, they yell at the fact that I wont get an education, they yell at the fact that now I could get kicked out of school for missing those days, they yell at the fact that I am not what they want me to be.

I am not what anyone wants me to be, I'm just not.

My aunt comes to town with her little child and talks to me, spends time with me and asks me how everything is going. My aunt asks if I want to stay with her for the week and I say sure. My aunt doesn't ask questions, my aunt doesn't talk to me, my aunt sits on the couch and watched the TV as I watch her child and pick up for him. My aunt takes us to the store and makes me push the cart while talking to the child. My aunt doesn't see me as a person, she sees me as a babysitter.

My father is gone. My father must not care much either for the fact that I have not talked to him in over a month, I have not seen him in six years all because he has gone and done something stupid that had caused him to go to prison for all of ten years, though he may possibly get out sooner. My father has stopped calling, writing, sending books and interacting with us all. My mother blows it off and doesn't think I notice, but I really do.

I am worthless. I deserve to go unnoticed and I deserve to feel this way all because I know that I was the reason this all happened to my family, I am the reason that my father is in jail, the reason my mother and grandparents no longer show that they love one another. I am the reason that I have anxiety, can't talk to people and don't sleep very well.

I am the cause for all of this simply because I said hello. That was all it took to change my world for the worst. I said hello to that girl, I met her family and her older brother. I met her sister and her friends. I said hello to her brother and I granted him permission into my home, and at six years old why wouldn't I?

He befriended my parents, he befriended me, and he befriended my whole family. He was allowed over to our home to watch me as my mother cleaned, cooked and washed the dishes. He was allowed over to our home to watch me while my father worked at his dream job happily and as my brother and sister were with their friends. I was always such a quiet child, he knew this and took it upon himself to make me quieter and more afraid of the world than I already was.

He took it upon himself to take away my innocent little ways, he took it upon himself to touch and grab every inch of me that wasn't supposed to be. He took it upon himself to look at every inch of me that wasn't supposed to be looked at, he took it upon himself and I shouldn't have been so naive to have let him take it.

The reason I am saying this is not for the pity, not for the sake of it or even just because I have had enough of keeping everything to myself. No, I am saying all of this, finally telling my side of the story and finally opening up, simply because you all need to understand.

This is why we fell worthless, this is why we can't smile and make it all better, and this is why we can't just be happy. This is why we reach for the bottle of pills, the rope or give in to the taunting of the blade. The reason isn't for something stupid like the fact that our boyfriend of three weeks decided to dump us, our mother didn't get us the snack we wanted, or because our favorite band member is having a rough time. It's not for the drama or for the attention.

It is because we can't deal with our future, past and the present we deal with now. We can't deal with the fact that our mothers hate us, or our fathers hit us. We can't deal with the fact that we sit in the back of the room and push away our food because some girl or guy called us ugly and fat. We can't deal with the guilt we feel when our brothers or friends walk away from us and don't even attempt to look back to see us fall to the ground and cry.

We can't deal with the fact that we have people out there who tell us that we are overreacting and that we are just seeking attention. We can't deal, and that is okay. But we are trying, every day, to not cry and break down into tears. We are trying every day to make sure that we do our best and force the world to think we are okay. We are trying to force  us to think we are okay.

And in my eyes, heart and mind, I think that is the best definition of being strong there is.

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