My Confessional

8. Two Words, Five Letters

I'm gay, two words that I have ultimately struggled with all of my life. The sudden realization that normality wasn't for me was one of the scariest feelings in my life. Conforming to what others wanted for me, I was the clay, ready to be molded into the wishes of my peers and superiors.

A secret about me that I never knew until eighth grade and yet, something I always knew deep down inside myself; I just never found it. I felt as if, when I said it, I would never be the same again. Something either inside me would change or when it would be brought to the light, I would become ugly.

Heteronormativity plagues the media and was one of the reason that I never knew being gay was possible until I was thirteen. I would constantly hear slurs and negativity from the word but I never cared to know what it actually meant because it was hurtful, something I would never say to someone purposefully. Subconsciously giving me the awful feeling about actually being that word, I didn't want to be the center of the joke.

As long as I've known, everyone wants that cinematic romance, the kiss in the rain, the cuddling near fireplaces, the feeling of safety, security, and vulnerability with another person, even me. Now I see that my cinematic romance wouldn't be the same in everyone else's eyes. Something that just was and something set in stone, nothing for me could change.

From when we're young, society etches being different as something toxic that should be eradicated. A deadly poison that if you have, are doomed to be laughed at, to never be taken seriously, to be alone and misunderstood.

'

Some people think that being gay, means you are only physically attracted to guys, sex being all that's on your mind and having no consideration for anyone's feelings. Other people say it means you are the stereotype that loves starbucks and is ultimately weak and unimportant as most girls are in horror franchises.

Yes, I am the guy who is in love with pop singers like Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Charli XCX, Sam Tsui and Macy Kate. I'm the one who wears glittery necklaces and compliments people's appearance. The one who is no longer afraid of the self I shadowed, the self that was always going to be judged because now everything I see is light.

I was spared from the crushing pain of being bullied at school, luckily. Instead I was the target of a verbally abusive step father; leaving my secrets in the dark, exactly where I wanted them. School was strictly for me, nothing from home would ever overflow into my second life, or so I thought.

It was Valentine's day of 2014, the day that our class had an outing to a large hill near the river, the perfect place for sledding. The assignment was to make an aerodynamic sled made out of only cardboard and duct tape. Our group was composed of us misfits, Callie, Blake, Shania, and Ariana.

Callie had been my friend since the second day of school, her straw like hair and striking blue eyes made me drawn to her, I knew she wasn't like the others. She was always dressed in jeans and had a very artsy look to her, like a living doll. It didn't take long for us to be friends, soon inseparable, even though we were polar opposites in academics but shared almost the exact same personality.

Blake was the misfit of the misfits, having a love for guns and power tools, he was truly different. A boy that would be perfect for the populars, even if I didn't notice an immediate love for sports, I knew he would be the one who would. It didn't matter though because at heart, he belonged to us and yet had the power to be with the more likely clique.

Shania was the strangest, the girl who always kept to herself, the girl who brought out the more calm part of me. We met in computer class and we were always competing to see who was the fastest typer, she always won. That wasn't what made her weird, at my 15th birthday party that had the theme of youtube challenges, we had to confiscate the dog food because she liked it so much. So I now have to address her as "dog food girl" to my mom so she would understand who I was talking about.