My Confessional

23. The Broken Bridge

Friendships don't last forever, especially in high school. The four years that you'll be busier than ever if you're like me. A good GPA seems to mean everything and it's something you HAVE to get to become great in life even though it's just a number. One of the smallest numbers I've seen attached to a grading system and the most useless in real life because intelligence is NOT based on a score of four; but that's not the point of this somewhat shorter chapter.

We all have best friends, the one's from the beginning of our childhood and the older we get, the more you both drift apart. That's life in school, I honestly thought it would last but, it didn't but then again we weren't real friends. Our "friendship" consisted of at least one monumental argument per week about how one wasn't paying enough attention to the other. How one of us was selfish just because they either couldn't split their time or because they just didn't want to hang out.

You can tell what side I was on, I was the bad guy who couldn't give her the attention she deserved. The vivid memory of talking through her problems and offering advice to her that she took on occasion, that's what's on my mind as I write this. I will always think of all the times I helped her through her broken family, that's why we got along so well, we were both broken. Now that my problems are fixed and I've moved on from everything, it's hard to keep up with her neediness because I feel myself slipping into the same old repetitive cycle.

She thought I idolized her, she thought I came to her with all of my problems and she helped me through everything while in reality, she did nothing, even if she did try. I am fully aware that I hurt her in ways that no one ever has and yet, I feel no guilt or connection with her and now that I think about it, I only did when I first met her. Every minute that passed after that, the string holding us together got more and more worn with time until there was nothing left.

On the day after Halloween, on the comfortable couch of a close friend, I wake up to two facebook posts, All I can do as I am snuggled under the covers is laugh and click "like", but it's too late, she blocked me but I could care less.

"When anyone has ever had one of their bestest friends smash your fragile heart into billions of pieces and you have to see them after the weekend is painful." I'm not hurt by words that describes her pain, I'm relieved that I no longer have to feel the pressure

"Whenever you are hurting, your true friends help you amd support you, and the ones that you thought were your friends were the ones that actually hurt you. So to all my true friends thanks for being there", The only people who come to her posts are the people who pity or sympathize with her, and the people who don't know the full story and never will. Around five people I know who'll find out is the ones stuck in between. Being me, I don't play dead and go quietly.

"Go ahead and talk yo sh!t because I'm done with the same old repetition." Smiling to myself as I post, knowing the weight lifting off my shoulders.

One moment, just one in both of our lives is where we truly were one. All the others past that seemed to have a fake film over them and didn't seem true even when they were. I knew her and didn't like how she dealt with her feelings because all she is, is just a more emotionally foolish me. Crying to herself as she sleeps, reflecting on her life and being jealous of others around her, that was me but I took the opportunity to break free, she never did and slowly died from it. Trying with all my heart, i never could fix the broken pieces.

Tomorrow morning, everything will change. The lunchroom will never be the same, the classes we share will have an aura of anger and tension. The smiles we would share in the future now doesn't exist. And when tomorrow comes around and she comes crawling back with apologetic words, I will refuse to walk the broken bridge.