Vulnerability, something that no one wants to feel and yet, at some point in our life, everything just happens. Words are spoken, people are hurt, hearts are broken, I guess it's just apart of life. So here I am, in the middle of the night, I am lying, snuggled in with the large fuzzy comforter and the confrontations that are my emotions. I am in the same state as two weeks ago, the day I spent crying to love songs to ease the sweet suffering that is "having a crush". The pain of someone slicing through your fragile heart can never be described, but I can say that it is one of the worst things you can ever feel.
I spent two months admiring a boy who would never be mine from the beginning, from the start of class to it's end, I would just gaze over to the boy who didn't notice. Nothing has changed, he still walks past the same way everyday, being sure to avoid my eyes as he does so, and I wish I could say that I didn't care and that I was just cold hearted so I wouldn't have to feel the pain I caused myself. At least this time, I have no one else to like so I don't have to worry about crushes for a while.
In the shower this morning, I fantasized about every single possibility of his response, always knowing the answer deep down but being too foolish to acknowledge. Dreams of going to the movies with him and having subtle talks while walking under the moonlit streets, maybe watching cars pass by as we talk about life, never go away as the warm water flows off of me, like the words people speak.
Him saying no to me was in my mind for mere seconds before being washed away by the current. This being one of the most emotional times i've had in awhile, a time of reflection, but not in a good way.
"Why am I so stupid! Why did I have to say that to him! I came on too strong. I wish I never spoke, I wish I could take it all back.", the words I whisper to myself as I think back to the love poem I sent him the night before, taking hours to be translated to english to french, hours I spent thinking of the perfect translation of my emotions to the small computer screen.
"You know what? At least you spoke your feelings and got how you felt out of the way so you wouldn't spend another two months in the same cycle." Words of wisdom I told myself as the calming music from Winter Well is played on speaker.
Being about seventeen hours older, I realize I was right. I had to be straightforward and strong with my emotions because if I wasn't, they would never have surfaced and I would still be a love sick puppy looking for a home. But being me has it's drawbacks, for instance, if your crush walks in, most people would be able to have small talk and try to move on to bigger conversations, and I can't even do that.
Cursed, everything I feel exploding in short bursts until there is nothing left, always when I'm alone so no one can tell the damage. Being forced to relive my emotions everyday and not being able to deal with them in person like I would like to. It makes me physically weak to be in the same vicinity as someone that I find attractive, I am completely consumed and destined to make a fool of myself and regret it for the rest of my life.
So some may ask, how do you tell your crush how you feel? A simple answer, via email. Later either that same day, next week, or sometimes even never, I get a reply saying just two words, "I'm straight", the equil contrast of what I am.
Mes Sentiments
Je ne sais pas mes sentiments pour tu
Quand tu marches au-dessus de la piece, je coute se concentrer sur qch
En ta presence, je n'ai pas mots
Je suis un idiot pour mes sentiments
Un inconnu captivant j'aimerais apprendre a connaitre
Partage ma vie avec qui je graviter autour de qch
Aller tu prends mon coeur et jamais lacher?
Aller tu sortis avec moi?
Respondes s'il tu plait
Rough Translation
I don't know my feelings for you
When you walk across the room, I lose focus
in your presence, I have no words
I am an idiot for my emotions
A captivating stranger that I want to get to know
To share my life with whom I gravitate
Will you take my heart and never let go?
Will you go out with me?
Respond please
Words at the time, I thought to be romantic as hell, now I look back and just see a foolish twelve year old girl trying to impress a celebrity. Sweeter words never more foolishly typed as I spend my english period speaking how I feel in small waves. This week was supposed to be the week I fell in love and went on a date with a person who cared, as my horoscope told me. I was weary from the start but that didn't stop me from secretly counting all my chickens before they hatched, as my grandmother used to say. So I let the cards fall where they were, and I feel like I am the star falling from the sky. Burning brightly from the pressure and embarrassment around me and all I can say is... At least I was honest and brave.
So as I lay on my bed, memorizing the dents and divots on my ceiling and listening to the subtle notes of Haley Reinhart at midnight, I'll no longer need to think of you because right now, after two months of hearts floating around you, I can finally move on.
YOU ARE READING
My Confessional
Non-FictionWriting a memoir at only fifteen years old has taught me a lot. Giving me the time to reflect on the lessons I learned the hard way and the mistakes I've made thus far. I learned, if there is at least two sides to every story, there is at least two...
