My Confessional

21. When You Win (What Matters)

Early September of 2015, the remnants of summer still aches in our beating hearts as I am found slumped over a small laptop, creating a memoir. A project, only meant for my creative writing class as something to enjoy and to have fun with but for me, it was a chance to sharpen my skills and show the world what I am truly capable of. Bringing myself to the light as I have stated multiple times within these pages, I have understood the deeper parts of myself in this book of life. Relearning the toughest lessons, learned the hard way through bad blood, nervous sweat, and broken tears. This year has been the most influential by far, I've definitely learned the most at fifteen years old, and I have so much more to gain and lose in the future.

Early October of 2015, the month where sweater weather becomes more prominent and I am found in class, in the same position as last month. Crooked over that same, small HP laptop provided by the school, putting together the toughest part about being me for everyone to see. Meaning it this time in it's construction, for I have entered it into the contest. An opportunity opening before my eyes, the closed door that has rested in front of me, for my whole life, has finally cracked open. In my near future, I foresee opportunity to be an even stronger version of myself through this. This is my chance to be great, to give back to the world that I owe so much, and I have my teachers to thank.

This chapter is dedicated to my creative writing teacher and her student teacher for giving me the push I needed. I am careful not to disclose their names out of full respect, for they are my mentors. Watching before my own eyes as my bosses, my superiors, become more than the labels that are placed on them. Connecting with the class as they share their own work, drawing out our hearts on each page they read to us. A thought so shocking that I know a part of them will remain with me after I leave this place. After I leave for something greater than beckons my attention, they will be the ones that will always have a place.

I also know that I will have the words of "when you win", engraved in my mind for the next months in preparation for the contest, the words I needed to hear from that amazing student teacher. Fully aware of how much she believes in me, knowing that she doesn't see an award winning author. I know she sees the potential I have to become one and I am extremely grateful to be in the presence of something so pure. Still spending countless nights thinking "why am I so special" and "there are way more people who deserve to win more than I do", thoughts that would come only naturally. I have mixed emotions about this contest, yearning to win and to be recognized for my work, and yet, on the other hand, just the opposite. Waiting for the letter to come in the mail or someone to tell me that I didn't make it, bracing myself and refusing vulnerability. Ironic that I say this because as I read this passage to my class, I will have done the complete opposite.

I am writing this in ahead of time in homage to them before the departure, before the moment of truth. I write this because in the grand scheme of things the contest isn't everything, there will be life after it, but the adrenaline of it all is hard to push down. That all won't matter, what matters is what is now. What matters is the family I have and my peers that have praised me for what I have presented to them. What matters is all of the amazing people who have been there for me since the beginning and the people who have just joined and are holding on through this roller coaster with me. What matters is the people who learn from me as I learn from them. What matters is I still have so much to share and I'm not even close to finishing yet. What matters is being yourself without being scared of the future or what bad things people have to say and judge you for. What matters is the lessons I learn and people who are here with me. That's what matters.