Two shits.

Chapter 2 Longer

I walk to my fathers grave. Holy shit. I remove my hat and run my hand through my hair. Tears streaming, I fall to my knees. He's gone. It's only hitting me hard now because I see his name written on that tombstone. I see the end of his lifespan engraved at the bottom. My mouth his covered by my hand, holding in the sound of my sobbing. The other hand was placed on the grave. Six feet under my reach lies my father. I still blame myself. If I'd never fucked up my life, my parents would have never split. My dad would have never moved to a new place where he would have to take that route to the grocery store. It's always going to be my fault. My existence is shit.

"I'm sorry dad. I'm so sorry." I cried. "It should've never had to be this way. I never wanted it to be this way. Please be okay wherever you are now. I love you. I should have been a better son and I know I always used to be a shitty one. I never got to say it. This is far too late, but it still has the same meaning as it would six years ago. I never got to say goodbye and now that I finally have the chance to, I can't do it. I'll say that I'll see you someday, but I know it's not guaranteed. I'm sorry dad. I miss you. I wish you could come back. Please come back."

I continue to mourn until I'm interrupted by my phone. It's Kyle. He wanted to know where I've gone. I tell him I'll come back and hang out in a few.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye, dad. I love you." I say. Then I realize what I'd just done. I said goodbye.

It was on my mind the entire walk over here, how I'd taken so long to say it. Then only after I hit a distraction the words slipped out so naturally. Now I have an empty feeling inside. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing you could do. Even if it's six years overdue.
I try not to think about it as I walk up to Kyle's door. He's been waiting for me.

"Hey Stan!" He smiles. His smile hasn't changed all too much.

I rub my hands together to keep them warm. I haven't gotten used to how cold it is yet. "Hey Kyle, I know we had plans already, but would you just want to come stay the night at my house tonight?"

He nods. "Sure dude, I'll be over in a little bit."

I smile and walk back over to my house. I pace myself slowly. I just want to take things slow. Mom is in the living room watching TV. I tell her Kyle's coming over tonight and head up stairs. I need my best friend again. I need him with me for a while. Thank god I have him again. Thank god he still cares.