Love Don't Die: A Ryden Fanfic

Chapter Twenty Four

I lost my virginity.

It was nothing like I expected it to be. Probably because, my whole life, I expected to lose it to a girl. Not like a girl. But I wasn't complaining. It was an interesting experience. I'm not even sure how it happened. One minute I was snatching my hairs out, worrying about Spencer. The next minute, Ryan was lifting me into the bedroom.

If he was trying to take my worries off the situation, it worked. As soon as I realized what was happening, my worries jumped to holy shit I don't know anything about sex! But Ryan was surprisingly understanding. I was on the verge of a confused freakout. Confused because I was too afraid to continue but too afraid to stop. Ryan had always told me I wasn't ready for a physical relationship with him. And I wanted to prove that I was completely ready.

So I didn't stop him. Not when he was lying me on the bed and taking off my clothes. Not when he was kissing down every inch of my skin. Not even when he had his mouth on a part of me his mouth should never be on. The fear in my stomach was being replaced by a tightening feeling that made my toes literally curl in synch with his movements.

I didn't want to let my memory go into detail because I made a lot of it awkward. But Ryan didn't let it bother him. It was the best moment of my life, aside from the initial pain. And now I was laying in a bed, wrapped in a cocoon of sheets. Ryan was lying next to me with his arm stretched over my stomach. His ass just sitting in the air freely. He didn't want to lie in the sheets with me. He didn't want to cuddle either. But for some strange reason, I really wanted to. It was like my body needed to be as close to his as possible. But he seemed to want distance. It hurt my feelings a little.

"Was- was I bad at sex?" I finally asked the question that was burning a hole in my brain.

"What?" He lifted his chin from the pillow to look at me. "Why would you ask that?"

"Because you're angry with me."

"No I'm not."

"Then why don't you want to be near me?"

"I am near you." He lifted the arm that was on my stomach. "I'm right beside you."

"You don't get it." I turned on my side away from him.

"Brendon." I heard him sigh. "I do get it. You want me to touch you, right?"

"That's not it." I mumbled stubbornly.

"Then what is it?" He snapped. His voice losing that bedroom softness. I could feel him shifting in the bed. Probably sitting up.

"You said you love me." I reminded him. The words didn't sound as meaningful as they did before.

There was a second of tense silence behind me before he spoke. "I do."

"If you loved me, you would want to touch me. L-Like I want to touch you."
I'd never been more ashamed of my own words. Since when did I say things like that? I never said things like that! Now Ryan was going to think I was needy and annoying and he was going to leave. I just know he's going to leave I should have kept my fucking mouth shut. I should have been happy to just lose my virginiry to Ryan and have him tell me he loved me in the same day.

I felt him shifting in the bed again. Probably about to get up and run away from me. But then I felt warmth. Ryan was pressed against my back. One of his arms snaked against my waist to pull my bottom half closer to his. His other hand wrapped around my neck loosely. I could feel him breathing agaisnt my skin.

"Is this better?" He whispered.

I nodded weakly. It was better than better. It was perfect. For some reason, it was exactly what I needed.

"I do love you, okay?"

"Okay." I grinned. Warmth spreading from my head to my toes.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"More than anyone else?"

That took me by surprise. "What?"

"Do you love me more than anyone else? The same way I love you more than anyone else? Would you do anything for me in the same way I would do anything for you?"

"I- Yes." I couldn't say no to that.

He relaxed around me. "I hope you mean that."

"I do." And I did.