Impractical Vampires

6 REASONS WHY VAMPIRES OF LEGEND WOULD SUCK

Assume for a minute that all those hordes of screaming Twilight fans are actually right- no not about Twilight actually being any good, since they're clearly delusional about that - but that vampires actually do exist. If this is true, then I think we can be pretty damn sure that they would be absolutely nothing like how the books and movies have painted them. Especially the whole hanging around high schools and stalking teenage girls. Yuck: just yuck. Do you have any idea just how annoying teenage girls can be? By the time you're in your twenties they're already annoying, and by the time you hit your mid-thirties, it's like dealing with an entirely different species. Now imagine if you were four-hundred years old and having to listen to some teenager explain the intricate details of a life they've barely had time to even consider having.

Anyway, my point is this: the vampires of legend couldn't possibly exist in our world. They would have had to adapt and had to do it quickly in order to blend in and to survive.

6. SLEEPING IN A COFFIN WOULD SUCK

First things first, seriously: a coffin? Yeah I know it looks cool in a morbid sort of way, but that's only in the movies and it's for a handful of scenes. Do you know how tedious it would be to have to get into a coffin every single night? Half of the time I either pass out on the couch or flop into bed after a particularly hard night of partying. Say what you like about vampires, they are known to throw or attend some heavily major parties, so you know old Vlad is not going to make it to his coffin every single time. Half of the time, he's just going to say screw it and pass out under the coffin. Not that it should matter anyway, since the first thing any vampire is going to do is get a nice place and then make it as sun-proof as possible.

Look, I may be willing to buy into the possibility that some random vampire freak may actually like the whole safety and routine of the coffin, but seriously, by nature most human beings are lazy as fuck. Give them an excuse (or a lot of money) to skip out on a tedious activity and they sure as hell will take it. First thing that goes is the coffin: trust me on this. Why have such a restricting space as a coffin when you can have an entire bedroom or an apartment? Last I checked you couldn't exactly fit a 42" plasma into a coffin. Or turn over to sleep on your side or on your stomach. Not everyone is comfortable sleeping on their back you know, and that's the only position that sleeping in a coffin really offers, which really sucks, considering that about 41 percent of you actually prefer to sleep on your sides. In a foetal position. Not judging you, but yeah: try pulling that off in a coffin. Hell, try pulling at anything in a coffin.

Make me into a vampire, but don't touch my fucking bed. Not when you can get panels installed in your windows to block the sun, and these days they sell some seriously heavy-duty light-proof curtains that are so damned awesome. They're also expensive, but worth it and believe me, your modern day vampire is going to be spending a lot in curtains because...

5. SLEEPING THE WHOLE DAY IS IMPOSSIBLE

Apparently your average vampire is supposed to automatically go to sleep from the time dawn hits until the sun goes down. While this is great for a convenient plot-device, it's not so practical in real life especially for a species that is supposed to be great at surviving almost anything. It means the hero in the story (not you) can stomp around the vampire's lair (this is usually the dusty basement or crypt without any proper WiFi to watch Netflix on) and make as much noise as he wants, all because the vampire is asleep. And of course the vampire is vulnerable only at this time because he sleeps like the dead.

In a coffin of course.

Do I really need to tell you just how fucking stupid this is?