Vampires of legend couldn't possibly exist in our world. They would have had to adapt and had to do it quickly in order to blend in and to survive. There are a lot of myths that are plain silly and I get to poke fun at them with a close examination...
So you think you know everything about killing vampires. You've watched all the movies, read all the books, bought all of the different types of wooden stakes from a very questionable website that didn't understand red text on black just doesn't work that well, and you are prepared to spill some vampire blood. Show you a vampire and you'll show them exactly what that stake is for! You blood-thirsty little psychopath you.
1. They've Lied To You About How To Kill A Vampire
Big problem with your plan is this: all of that advice you received and those manuals? Were they really written by people who successfully hunted and killed vampires and how much trial and error did they have to go through to get it correct? Maybe it was actually a vampire who wrote it and then you know they were lying. And if they were human, you really gotta wonder if they were really killing real vampires or just killing people who were pretending to be vampires, after all, last time I checked, every single method for killing a vampire worked just as well on humans.
- Stake through the heart? Yep.
-Chopping off the head? Total yep.
-Silver nails through the eyes and cut off the tongue and THEN cut off the head? Yikes.
You're kind of getting the picture, right? Those are all very inefficient AND painful ways of killing a dude, and you don't even get a confirmation that the dude you just murdered was a vampire... unless he actually burst into flames in direct sunlight and burned to a crisp in front of your eyes.
But let's just say that you went ahead and got old Mister Stabby ready for action, you might face one big problem.
2. The Vampire You've Targeted Really Doesn't Want To Die
It's kind of a biggie if you ask me. There you are, Mister Stabby primed for action and your vampire doesn't have the manners to sit still and let you poke a hole in his chest! In fact he's probably fighting you tooth and nail and kicking your ass due to the fact that he's so much stronger and faster than you. You know, since he's a vampire. He'd probably already lied to you about him not being a vampire and what you'd really be doing is committing murder, and that's no fun is it? All you want to do is kill a vampire, not kill an actual person, so you should be properly ashamed of yourself--
Guess what? You forgot something important about vampires and its...
3. Your Vampire Has Mental Powers Bitches!
Guess what? You're no longer in the mood to kill a vampire, might as well pack it up and go home. After all, you don't want to have someone's blood all over your hands because that's icky and then there's the years of guilt you're going to have to deal with. All of these second thoughts are either due to your conscience finally kicking in, or you've just fallen under the vampire's mental influence and he's convinced you that killing him is no longer a good idea. After all, he's not all that bad. He's a modern vampire and he's just taking a little blood, not really that much, and it's not like that girl was using it anyway. And you have to agree, her neck was rather biteable--
Except now you really want to kill him for putting you under his spell so easily, but every time you get close, you end up being best friends with the dude and drinking the night away, because he can't be all that bad, can he? It's not like he's killing anybody...
For the sake of argument, let's say you shake it off or you're somehow immune to mental powers and you still really want to kill this vampire dude. You might be facing a big problem, especially if you got Mister Stabby all sharpened up...
4. Biology Is Working Against You
Let's say your vampire stands absolutely still, doesn't argue or fight you and actually allows you to stab him... are you actually going to get it right into the heart the first time? Bad news bucko: you're not. Even if you had perfect aim, you still have a thick layer of bone to get through before you even get to the heart. What you're going to end up with, even with the hardest thrust you can give, is your stake embedded into the breast bone and a very awkward situation. It's basic biology. If you want to get through the sternum, you're going to have brought a mallet with you and be prepared to do some hammering. It's going to take a couple of blows just to get it all the way in and then you still have to deal with the fact that even if someone is stabbed in the heart, they're not going to necessarily die immediately. In fact, there might be a fair amount of screaming going on, you know, like from the first time you stabbed the dude. Even if he's standing perfectly still, that shit is still going to hurt, and then you took a mallet to his chest. Man, talk about awkward.
Oh and by the way...
5. Are You Sure Dude was Actually a Vampire?
Congrats! You just killed yourself a vampire! Thing is, now that he's dead and lying there with that stake in his chest and blood pouring everywhere, he looks like a dude who's just been murdered. Sure he's a little pale and he liked to dress in evening clothes from the 18oo's but last I checked, that wasn't an offense punishable by death was it? Are you even sure he was a vampire? Are you freaking out yet? Because you should be, because you just killed a dude and if the cops catch you, you're going to end up confessing... and were you even wearing gloves?
Why isn't the body turning into dust? Isn't it supposed to turn into dust or explode into flames or something like in the movies... so you don't have... to get rid... of the body...
Fuck.
The bodies conveniently vanishing happens in the movies to keep the action moving and to keep the heroes from having to explain where all of the dead bodies came from. And you're not in a movie are you?
Face it, you're kinda screwed because...
6. Murder is Hard
What? Did you think I was going to tell you how to get away with murder? Nope. That one's all on you. After all, you were the person who spotted the vampire, followed him around for weeks until he got annoyed enough with you always showing up to kill him despite his best efforts to make you go away. So you have weeks of you being caught on surveillance cameras, your fingerprints are all over his place and don't even get me started on your internet search history. Did you think you lived in the 1600s out in the back country somewhere where random acts of murder were less likely to be observed? Face it, even if he was a vampire, you still just killed a dude.
So, don't... okay?
(Paid for by the Local Vampires of Toronto Who Don't Want to be Murdered Club.)
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