Impractical Vampires

6 REASONS YOU SHOULDN'T DATE A VAMPIRE

So you've met a vampire and decided that you're soul mates and you're going to enter into a relationship. Goody for you. I'm happy for you, really I am. You can swoon as well as the next girl, plus you're not in high school anymore so you're ready for an adult relationship and it might as well be with Mr. Tall-Pale-and-Handsome over there who wears sunglasses too much. Just remember you're going to have to be beating off the high-school girls with a big stick and you two should be fine, but remember that dating a vampire is not going to be as easy and glamorous as you think.

6. YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU'RE BEING HYPNOTIZED

First of all, everybody knows that vampires have the whole mind control thing down-pat. You can call it hypnotism or glammering or whatever you want, but vampires have a way of getting inside your mind and making you do whatever it is they want you to do. They will straight-up Jedi-Mind-Trick your ass.

There are all kinds of theories of how this would work especially in a real-world scenario, but that's not what we're looking at here. Imagine for a second that you meet this guy/girl that you just have the absolute hots for and they tell you they're a vampire. From that instant, you're going to be wondering if you had been mind-tricked into noticing them in the first place. It's just going to get worse and you're going to be constantly second-guessing every decision you make with them. Did you jump into bed with them that first night because it was something you really wanted? Did you give them the last piece of pie because you wanted to see them smile, or because they really wanted it and had tricked you into it, because as we know there are no laws when it comes to the last piece of pie.

See, when it comes to relationships, the human mind is seriously screwed up and is already full of all kinds of doubts and insecurities. Throw in the fact that you're dating a vampire and you're always going to be wondering if your partner could resist the urge to mind-trick you into doing something, even if it is just to shut you up over that last argument about what to watch on Netflix. That kind of doubt eats at relationships over time, not to mention the whole dating scene, but what's worse is...

5. THERE ARE LOTS OF SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET

Face it, your average younger vampire has got to be pushing at least eighty to a hundred years, no matter if he looks like he's still in his twenties. There will be some older ones of course, but all of the emotional baggage they've picked up over the years, not to mention the motley collection of friends, human and otherwise.

At some point, the issue of exes always comes up, if not the really stupid question of how many people each of you have had sex with. Important note for you here: do not ever attempt this with a vampire. You really, really do not want to know the honest answer, since they have that whole fast healing thing going on and have probably never had to really worry about catching any STDs, so yeah.... you don't want to know. Oh, you already asked... you feel like shit now? You poor baby. Suck it up. Where was I? Oh yeah: baggage.

Apart from the hugely varied sex-life, think for a second of all the relationships and broken hearts that have been left behind, not to mention any children, who are probably your age or in some cases old enough to be your own parents. There's a reason why they claim in the movies that vampires can't reproduce and it's to make the idea of sex with a vampire seem all sexy and safe as possible. Getting pregnant is never sexy, so they kind of leave that part out. If your vampire is smart, he doesn't set up shop in the same city as his exes, but relationships are tricky things even if they ended badly and we tend to judge our new relationships based on the past ones.

Look me in the eye and tell me, you've never had a weak moment where you didn't think about your ex and how they made you feel and maybe you emailed them or phoned them up to say "hey, I just wanted to hear your voice..." Your vampire is going to have a whole string of those and vampire or not, he still has emotions and a whole string of regrets. You haven't seen ex-girlfriend drama until it stretches over several decades. No wonder old Vlad is faking his death every twenty years and its to get away from exes like you.