aesthetic // (poetry)

broken ;

im shaking
im breaking
im falling.
im losing my
grasp on reality,
forgetting my
A, B, C's and my
1,2,3's,
losing my ability
to breathe,
to feel.
i'm numb once more.
because he left too.
i knew he would, and
yet my heart is still
splitting , shattering,
screaming why?
why must you go?
why must you be like all
the others?
what gives you the
right to listen to
what i've been through
and put me through
it again?
you shouldn't be special.
you're just a boy.
you are just an
intolerable pest,
someone who's managed
to become
another distraction,
to wriggle their way
into my veins,
to poison my bloodstream.
you've become my
weakness, where once
you were my strength.
and i hate you.
no, i don't.
i am incapable of hatred
towards you.
i want to hate you,
but i simply cannot. you
knew what you were doing,
you knew you would
hurt me and yet you did it
anyways.
i knew you would
hurt me and i
let you.
i told 
myself that
you were different,
that you would stay.
i lied to myself.
i hate myself.
why does everyone
leave?
why am i so
incapable of making
others want to keep me?
others are extremely
talented at making me
want them to
stay, but i seem
unable to return the
feeling.
and it hurts.
it really fucking hurts.
and i cry myself
to sleep, pretending
that it doesn't matter,
that i am okay.
and that is one of the biggest
lies i've ever told.
i tell it constantly,
to almost everyone.
because no one honestly
cares about my problems,
or they will say that they do and
use it against me later,
or worse, they'll leave
like everyone else has.
i'm so alone.
trapped in my mind,
screaming for help,
gasping for air.
i receive none.
but that's okay,
i'm
used
to
it.