aesthetic // (poetry)

love? ;

you have put me through
more than i ever thought
possible.
you've lied to me.
you've manipulated me.
you've told me things that
i'm not sure i want to know.
you've admitted your feelings
for me and showed me
just how much you care,
and just how much of an
asshole you can be.
i am at a loss for words.
i don't understand you, not
in the slightest.
and yet you are all i want.
how does a person do that?
how do they consume your
thoughts, cloud your judgement,
make you ache in so many ways?
you're like a drug.
i'm addicted to you.
i breathe you in and exhale,
my body is filled with toxins,
chemicals that are horrible for me,
but make me feel so damn good.
and when i can't have you,
my entire body aches.
i crave you with
every fiber of my being.
you perplex me.
you treat me as if i am
a burden, but when you
realize that your actions have
harmful consequences you
are so apologetic and
worried about me, when
you are the one who caused me
pain in the first place.
you say you care about me,
and while i know this is true i
still find myself doubting.
how can one say that they care
and then shatter you completely
and irreversibly?
it just doesn't make sense.
but i love you.
sometimes i don't want to,
but i do.
and it's going to take a whole
lot to change that.