aesthetic // (poetry)

to you ;

dear you,
you and i are entangled. i pull away and you tug back, you pull away and still i follow, for this impossible tango is our destiny, i have to believe. i waited so long to hear those life altering words, that one phrase.
" i love you."
it's treacherous, those words. but now i know. you loved me, just as i loved you. but it's too late for us. too many tears have been shed, too much pain felt. and now you have her. and i no longer know you.
i wonder if i ever did.
you were this enigma, this mystery i was so eager to solve. but i never did.
i spent so much time trying to decipher your code, so much time pining away for you, so much time wishing, praying that you loved me. and now i know. i found out through a betrayal, from an act that left me feeling so out of control. and now i know. and that leaves me feeling even more out of control, like nothing makes sense anymore. because if you loved me, how could you leave me like you did? was it really love, if you could manipulate me, hurt me, make me question everything that i am? and if you loved me, how could you just stop?
i know that i loved you, i've felt it every day. and even though i've moved on with my life without you, you still are a presence in my life. i imagine you always will be.
do you ever really get over your first love? or are they always a presence, even if just a ghost from the past? you feel like a ghost to me now, for you always come back to haunt me. i suppose you always will.
i am a bird wishing to be set free from its cage. you seemed like you would help me fly away, when in reality you were distracting me so that you could tie me up and lock the door. and now i am trapped with no escape. and you are far out of reach.
our story is one i feel will never end. but i think i want it to, for my poor heart cannot take much more.
i'm losing it. i'm going numb. and at the same time i feel everything, and it's a terrible way to be.
oh just let it end!
all these emotions and what do you feel? nothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothingnothing......

nothing