Going Down With A Fight

~Chapter 41~

I heard the beeping of a heart monitor. I opened my eyes and was instantly blinded by pearly white walls, and the horrible stench of a strong multi-purpose cleaner. I slowly sat up to see everyone in my hospital room. Mahogany crying and Jacob holding her.  Brent sat on a chair near the window. The guys were a mess. Trevor was the one to comfort Hayes, Adrian, and Caitlyn. Shawn sat on a stool and sadly sang the lyrics to Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney. 

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

[Chorus:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Your beautiful soul, yeah

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c'mon let's try

[Chorus:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you?
Maybe do you think you could want me too?
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do?
I just wanna know that you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

[Chorus:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your soul

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Ooooooo
Beautiful soul, yeah

Oooooo, yeah
Your beautiful soul
Yeah

By the end he set his guitar down and I sniffled. I smiled weakly and said, "I'm Sorry." They all looked up and joy overcame them all. I joined hugs and it turns out I fell down the stairs. Brent had a pained expression. He came over and sat on the edge of the bed. I wasn't mad but everyone else left us to be alone. I listened as he explained the baby was a miscarriage. I was broken again. But this time it was me. I broke myself. There was no one to blame this time. It was me. I felt the tears sting my face. Brent cried with me. He held my hand and rocked me back and forth in his lap. I lightly gripped his shirt. I was a mess. I was like the rest of them. I killed my own child. Mothers aren't supposed to kill their children, they raise them and make them better people than what their parents ever were. I screamed in agony and wailed. I cried like I have never cried before. I cried harder than I did at my mother's cremation. I cried like there was no tomorrow. As soon as Brent left the hospital a grabbed a scalpel off the tray next to my bed. I cut my arms over and over 'til there was no more room. After that I cut my thighs. I stopped and thought about what the others would do. They would be in even more devastation. More pain, one more thing to worry about.

I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. I looked in the mirror and sighed. My eyes were red and still drawing tears, my body shape hasn't come back yet, and my hair was all matted and knotted. I walked out and got into the creaky old metal bed and cried myself to sleep.