(p/p :: i haven't been on wp for a while and i saw a lot of notifications for new stories and updates i promise i will get to those but i have to catch up on school-work first and it's really stressful and now my mom wants me to see another doctor and i'm not very happy with that and i'm also getting peer stress (COUGH) so yeah)
idk i haven't smiled in a while. not even when i ran out of there, hoping for fresh air, wanting to calm my painful headache/fever/nausea/uncomfortableness and it was damp outside and i couldn't breathe properly also because now my lungs and possibly kidneys are ruined and swimming will be a huge problem and when i grow older but it wasn't even my fault i really hate it when people yell at me but then they don't know about it but why would i tell them in the first place? they never showed to me that they had the potential or are close enough to me for them to know stuff about me like that and it freaks me out and everyone has friends and i'm just awkwardly floating through the halls, classes, the pool (hah. literally), life. i started carrying pandy around with me again. that's kind-of a huge tip-off that's a lot of things are off. today i spent fourty-five mintues balancing a folded tissue on my nose and then pandy's nose. that's how much concentration i have now. i haven't even started my homework. the only thing i've done school-related is delete emails and put work into binders. i can't concentrate. this is nowhere near the work we had at eastern but i can't bring myself to do it. and i was doing so well but now it's fucking back to what it was before and i don't want to be sucked back into a vortex of sadness and lack of energy and insomnia and i had pandy tucked into my hoodie collar for two hours and i'm always having no input when it comes to any kind of decision because of the way these rules are crafted for only the perfect ones to have weight in their words or the legal system because i don't want to leave again and my teachers understand i was sick but my friends thought i was DEAD and I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT i can't even go swimming because of fear but then again, i have to go swimming because i fear and i can't go to school because i just don't fit in and this isn't helping but it's sososososoooo much safer than eastern and i don't have to be constantly looking over my shoulder but here they attack under just like at swimming and it's sososoo much harder to track them and there's too many people for me to read and they keep reading me and no one believes me and locked me up again and now my butt is a ball of fat (lol i'm a ball of fat) from sitting/lying on it for five days and now i can't even type properly and my ears hurt from all the ringing from the faulty door and yelling children and my appitite shrunk and i was eating cereal and yogurt but then i gained back the six pounds i lost and i learned how to say beautiful in spanish (hermosa) and cold (frio) and i got in trouble for giving hugs and there was so much screaming and stale air and my heads hurts so much and i can't hear anything properly anymore and i can't concentrate on anything and there's no one around and i'm constantly being watched and i'm forced to take more than ever before and they're watching me and joyce won't stop baking and forcing me to eat them and there's so much butter and icing and it makes the whole house smell and she thinks we enjoy them and is depleting our house supply of flour, eggs and sugar and i can't even check my grades but i do know that i have two classes that are borderline and another that is mid-letter but that can drop because i am stupid and i hate it when people grab me and scream at me and they don't really care about me they just care about their goddamned PROTOCOL which they follow so they dno't get sued but then hannah could had sued them because she got a concussion and now i think there's yogurt on my laptop and i have no idea why and my ears hurt but i can't take off my headphones because the outside world is really loud and they don't reply or talk or initate and the only two who do are trying to date me and i can't focus on those kinds of things right now and i can't tell them that because i don't trust them and now i feel like they're always watching me and i hope that they won't hurt me but the others are always watching me because they're suspicious but apparently i don't have it but i think i have something else but i know how they work and i'm not going to give them what they want because they always read me and i'm so sick of them bending me to their wishes and they keep following me and there's no one there and i can't tell anyone and they took everything away because i promised i would give it to them but they didn't keep their end of the bargain and now i'm at school and it's freaking awful and there's so much food and clubs and stuff to do and i have to do this certain one to get into good colleges and she's so nice but i don't know if i want to do it but then again, i don't even want to exist and it's really confusing and it makes my hurt a lot and it hurts to think and focus and i can hear my own heartbeat and stale air and windows that i can only look out of from three stories above and watch vehiculas come back and forth and watch squrriels and garbage guys tossing out keys and saying heller to people and 4311 and fair oaks and speaking spanish/french/latin/mandarin because your brain is getting so confused and you have to make a concious effort to speak english and it's so hard to speak english i hate english i hate america and really dislike using the word hate but i hate this existence i was born in the wrong life out of my nine and i'm just waiting for the ducks to come back to the lake and sushi to fly again
[[edit :: and i didn't even get a chance to see the moon. i've been begging them and they agreed but then said no and then four hours before the start she said she would take me out but then an hour in she said she couldn't and i started crying and then he said who gives a fuck about the moon and it pulsed me and i couldn't stand the past and i started crying again and she didn't understand because i was rambling in the languages she couldn't understand and i just wanted to see the freaking moon but they thought i would run away but i just wanted to SEE THE FREAKING MOON because i might not be around the next time it occurs but they wouldn't let me and ia te so many mints and gatorade and stale air]]
