Skittles and tea

Chapter Eleven

PJ’s POV

Yesterday the Doctor had told me that I had a malignant tumour and that it was too far along to be removed, so I was basically just waiting to die now. I knew this was going to be bad but I didn’t think it would be this bad. Chris hadn’t left my side all night, he had fallen asleep eventually at around 2:30am in the chair next to me, and at about 3:40am he leaned forward and rested his head on my bed and his hand near my hip, I had decided to hold his hand tight, I was so scared. The only thing’s that I could think now were ‘what is this going to feel like?’ ‘Will it be painful?’ And the main one that’s been eating me alive is ‘will it be today, tomorrow, or in five minutes?’ It was a really scary thought, knowing that you’re going to die is bad enough but thinking about when it’s going to happen is worse, it eats you up. I desperately needed Chris to wake up; I needed him now more than I’d ever needed him before. As I lay there, waiting for my fate, all I could think about was how I had never told Chris how I felt about him. I knew I loved him for sure now, I knew I liked him a lot, even the first day we met, but I realised that I was completely in love with him while he was sleeping so soundly by my bedside, I wanted to tell him, but it hurt. If I tell him now there is no future, we would not be able to get married, we would not be able to have children, we would not be able to grow old together. If I told him now I’d only hurt him more, he’d spend the rest of his life without me, and that hurt. Bad.

 The time was nearing 6:30am. Chris had left the radio on for me because it calmed me somewhat, it was almost time for the breakfast show on radio 1 with Nick Grimshaw. I always liked listening to him if I’d had a dreamless night. My head was hurting really badly, so I gently moved and rested my head against the pillows resting against the wall behind me, Chris was asleep on my Pokémon blanket and I wanted it for comfort, I carefully tried to retrieve it and Chris moved, luckily he had moved further right and it was easier for me to grab my blanket. I sat there, my head resting and the blanket draped over my chest, I was clenching it so tightly, partly because my Mum had visited last night and when she left to go back to her hotel she cried rivers, I was clenching the blanket because it felt like Mother, it felt like all of the memories I’d had with that wonderful woman, all of the happy memories, I didn't want the last time I saw my Mum to be her crying because of me, I had told her to come back today and try to hold it all inside, so that we could have one last cheerful moment together, a happy memory for her to cling to. Lying there I couldn't help but think about how much she had looked out for me in my 21 years, she was such an amazing woman. My head was pounding, that was another reason for my clenching my Pokémon blanket. I tried to drown out all of the pain with the music that signified the start of the breakfast show, Grimmy began to speak and I felt it calmed me a little bit. At that moment, Phil came in.

 “Phil?” I choked.

“Hey Peej!” He tried to sound happy, but I could see he had been crying.

“What are you doing here?” I must look and sound terrible. My voice was so choky from the pain, my eyes had so many bags under them, some from not sleeping, most from being ill. I was skinnier than I was a week ago.

“I couldn’t sleep so I decided to come see you. Jesus, Peej, are you ill?” Phil joked. It’s a good thing I hadn’t lost my sense of humour because I’d be beating him senseless right now if I had. Well, as much I could.

Phil didn’t have anywhere to sit, a nice nurse came in and placed a chair at the left side of my bed, Chris was on my right. Phil went to sit down and made awkward eye contact with the nurse, she blushed and they smiled at each other and then she left. She probably had a crush on him, everybody loved Phil because he was such a sweetheart (and very cute) I knew he didn’t like that nurse in thay way, though. He’d met a girl who had just started working at radio 1, she had lovely red/ginger hair just past her shoulders and blue eyes. I had never met her, but Phil told me about her because he was head over heels already, and apparently she watched his videos so she had wanted a picture with him the day they met, which he wanted to take on his iPhone, he’d shown me the picture. She was absolutely gorgeous. I asked about her and he said he was going to ask her out for coffee tomorrow after the radio show, I hope things went well for him. In the photo they looked they’d make a very lovely couple.

 Phil and I chatted for a long time. I finally decided it was time to admit how I was feeling. About Chris, about everything. “Phil?” I croaked.

“Yeah?” He replied, looking straight into my sick eyes.

“Look, I know you don’t want to talk about this stuff, but the truth is I’m terrified and I need someone to just listen to me”

Phil gulped and nodded slowly, so I continued.

“When I was told I was going to... Be.... Well, you know?” I tried so hard not to say the word ‘die’ not really for Phil, mostly for me. I was too scared to say it.  Phil just giggled.

“It’s okay PJ, you can say it. I knew you’d want to talk about this eventually, and I’ve come to grips with it. Continue” Phil gestured, Phil was my second best friend, I told Chris everything and I told Phil almost everything. I didn’t want to admit that I was the one who didn’t want to say die, so I gritted my teeth and just spoke.

“Ever since I was told that I’m going to die, I’ve had these thoughts just eating me up. The main one being when is this going to happen to me? I just can’t bare it. I’ve been trying to stop the thought but it’s really difficult. I don’t know what to do”

“Well, I think you do know, don’t you Peej? You need Chris to wake up. Everybody knows, PJ, no use hiding it! Whenever Chris is around you’re the happiest guy alive, you’re crazy about him and we all know it.”

My heart skipped a beat and my stomach tightened. Had I made it that obvious? I went onto talk about exactly how Chris made me feel.

“Oh God Phil, you’re right. You’re so right. He spent the entire night here and when he was here... And conscious, the thoughts of, ya know, dying, just seemed to fade away, for a little while. Even only for a little while it feels good, because I know that they’d come back, eventually, but for a little while, I was happy, and not ill.”

At that moment Chris moved and his arm slipped off the bed, so he woke up.

Author's note: I'm so sorry this is getting sadder D: I'm also sorry that I never posted yesterday! I made this chapter longer to make up for it, I'm still sorry it's so sad! It only gets worse from here :(