Window Cracks

▶️Some Traces◀️

"How was the day?"

"Thanks Trace, it was good," I say, as I sit at the table, exhausted.

I have managed to enter the house on time, the sun is starting to set.

After a complete day of no Hannah and full training at the Tank today, a day after my birthday, I could say I had the worst day ever. I did not know what I was doing. I was in a deeper daze than usual. My mind was in a clamour because of my thoughts from yesterday that kept getting into my head.

I'm going to represent my community and be a good student.

I had to constantly fight them away. I do not believe in them.

"Mind me asking what you did?" Trace persists with the questions. I cannot digest the possibility that Trace may have given me a cake that contained the poisons that made me think like that yesterday. I feel hurt. I have decided to put that aside, however.

"I trained."

"That's not the same report I got from Zelch."

Zelch.

In this moment, I quickly figure out why he was here yesterday. He must have realised I go absent and he came here and told Trace yesterday, when I retreated to my room.

I am now probably on close watch. I start to wonder what Zelch will do to make me regret ever leaving the Tank.

I eventually notice the silence that is now built between Trace and me. She awaits a response. I feel bothered and annoyed. This is unlike Trace.

"Well, I trained today, full time. I actually di-"

"Den, why do you go?" She blurts out. I can see the hurt in her eyes. She looks vulnerable. She has never said my name since the time we came to live here. And she now looks distressed. She crosses her arms to grip her elbows with her trembling fingers.

I have never seen her like this before. I feel awful.

She manages to maintain her stature, and she leans against the counter to reinforce it, opposite to where I now am uneasily seated.

Her question gets me thinking.

The reason I would leave is because I would get tired, but more significantly, I would have someone to leave with. But I cannot tell that to Trace, and put Hannah in the limelight. She is no longer a valid cause, anyway, since she supposedly left me two days ago. I have not seen Hannah since.

I cannot verbalise my thoughts. I also do not want Hannah in trouble. I have to replace her with something else. I just decide to talk about my own struggle, hoping it is a strong enough reason.

"I get tired and confused."

Trace instantly frowns and stands up and releases her arms.

Back to solid Trace.

"In as much as you get tired and confused, that's not of you to just... leave."

"Am I not allowed to just... rest?"

"What is influencing you to want to "just... rest"?" Trace immediately counters, with such stoniness that triggers only my anger.

"Trace," I say with a lowered, but very articulate voice. I am controlling my rising anger. I lift my arms and place them on the table and I clutch my hands together, very tightly, to remain calm. I look down at the surface of this damned table, maintaining my supposed and obligatory respect for Trace. I continue:

"You may reckon something is influencing me to leave the Tank. No," I lie through my bare teeth for Hannah, "I am sorry for worrying you like this. In these three months coming, I will probably be in Physical Training Grounds, training... serving the community."

I lie, some more, through my bare teeth.

I look up at Trace.

She smiles a small one and leaves the room, but she heads for the exit. She leaves the house.

My anger is about to over-boil. I cannot help but think that she thinks her cake worked.
I cannot help but think she is like the Authorities.
I cannot help but think that Trace is quite happy to break me.

There is a long moment of silence as I sit on my own, and space is made for a cooling air to wistfully filter in from the open window and quickly make me weak.

Everything I have learnt and been told these past nine months when I started going to the Tank passes by the front of my mind in visual memories:

Learning how to accelerate when running, archery, fighting, defending oneself, all the way to knowing which switch to flip to turn off a certain system, and how to create a new channel or tube with new substances... I learnt a lot.

...But in the middle of it all, Hannah keeps on coming up. The big wall she took me to keeps on coming up. Our talk about the "world" keeps on coming up.

I mentally pay my respect to the Tank.

I am never going back there again. Because Hannah and I need to get beyond the walls of the community, and she needs me to help, and I need her too.

She is definitely not trying to use me.

I will leave for her.

To Trace and Zelch, I am just a child who is showing some traces of trouble, rebellion, and I am another one to get rid of if I offend them a few more times.

I realise if I do not depart any time soon, Trace or Zelch might come with a group of men and take me away for some sort of regulation/punishment. Like what they did with my father, and Pence.

My heart starts to pang.

I need to leave tonight.

*evening*

I pack my small bag of grey clothing and take some chunky food wrapped in plastic from Trace's pantry and stuff it in the corners of the bag. Trace has not returned yet. Vivian is fast asleep in Trace's room. I rush to the door of the room, quietly open it, and give Vivian one last look.

See you later?

I realise I do not know what I am doing, and I put the bag down.

I go closer to her and I stroke the black hair which has a streak of navy blue. She wakes and I calmly stop stroking. She notices my bag and looks at me, then smiles.

She knows. She heard my conversation with Trace this afternoon.

"I trust you. See you later," she says very quietly.

I feel brand new, and happy. I decide here and now.

See you later.

I give her one last look as I leave for the kitchen door that leads outside. I do not care about what I am leaving behind right now. I am making a decision for myself. This community was never for me. I accept this. Everything is starting to make sense, including the words my mother told me; the things Hannah said to me; Pence being taken away; my father dying.

These experiences were related to the world. This community will stop at anything to ensure that things of the outside world will not infiltrate in any way.

I want to stop that.

One thing remains unsolved, however:

Why are we training?