Because You're Mine (A Tom Hiddleston Fanfic) #Wattys2016 #pfcc2k16

Broken.

                 

You have become all I lost and all I hoped for...

*****

I don't hate her. And I don't really think I even have it in me to do so. But let me just drop dead at this very instant if I don't wish that I could.

Everything would be so much less painful if I could just push some kind of button, and turn all the love I have for her, not into hate, but total and absolute indifference. Make her name mean nothing to me; convince my heart of the fact that she doesn't matter at all; trick my brain into believing that this feeling of emptiness inside of me has nothing to do with missing her to the point of numbness.

Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.

The irony of this situation does not go unnoticed to me while the movie is playing on the television.  It was always a favorite of mine but recent events have given the plot a whole new meaning to me.

The first time that I watched it, I remember thinking that if I were to be in a situation like that, I would never choose to erase my memories. But then again, I had never been hurt so badly at the time. Sure I fell in love before and those relationships went under with time, but this one was different. This one, I thought, was the one that would pan out. The one I prayed it would.

And now, as Joel sits down in that weird chair and he's presented with all of the objects that hold the good, bad, sweet, bitter memories of his own Clementine, I quietly sit in my couch, wishing I could do the same with mine.

"It means merciful, right? Clemency?" he asks her while facing each other on the wagon.

"Although it hardly fits" the beautiful girl with her hair dyed in Blue Ruin retorts, "I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told"

It's been four weeks since the last time I saw her and not even that small freckle at the end of her left eyebrow has faded from my memory. A month has passed since I last heard her voice but I can still hear her singing in the shower when she didn't know I was listening.

I am as able to forget her as I am of hating her and not even the sight of Ruffalo dancing ridiculously in a pair of tighty-whities can draw a single grin from my lips.

As the objects are displayed, one by one in front of his eyes, I can't help but thinking about my own memories. Joel's snow globe stands for that moment under the drizzle when she told me, in her own words, that she was in love with me. The skeleton dummy is the morning after our date when we had the stupid fight that made me see that she was as scared of losing me as I was of losing her. The mug, the pictures, the sketches of a girl with hair as red as fire; they represent the words we said, the laughs we had and the tears we shed in the name of each other.

"I know you're there... Pick up!"

Mark's voice pierces through the movie dialogue and its depressing, soul-wrenching soundtrack as Joel and his Clementine spit the cruelest words to one another. He talks loudly from the other side of the line, saying that he has had enough of me being entrenched inside my house and not returning any of his calls.

I roll my eyes at the telephone base, which is currently buried under a week's worth of take-out containers and empty bottles of beer. I ponder the possibility of letting him talk by himself like I have been doing lately but when he starts talking about booking me a flight to Switzerland; I decide to pay a little bit more attention.

"... I gave you all the space and time I was able to and believe you me, it wasn't easy! But this is a commitment you've already made and you need to stick to it. I know you will"

He has that Jiminy Cricket tone and, as much as I hate it, is working.

"I'm here... What?"

"You need to be in Zermatt by the end of the week and you have to listen carefully because getting there is bloody complicated, okay?"

He doesn't say hello or ask me how I'm doing but I guess that's for the best. He needs to keep me talking about work and work only, if he wants to get something out of me. He knows me well enough and he is a master in pulling the right strings to get me going. Sometimes, I'd like to kick his ass for the way he shamelessly manipulates me but then I think about it and I realize that that is just part of his job description. Dealing with actors and their crap must be hell on Earth.

"I'm listening..." I say in a low voice, while pressing the mute button on the remote. In a second, the voices go silent in my telly but I can see them running playfully along a frozen beach.

Just another happy memory about to be deleted.

For the next thirty minutes, Mark explains all the details for my trip and by the end of it, my head is pounding awfully. Apparently, that little town we are going to film in has a total prohibition for all means of transport that requires any kind of fuel, so that means that I need to either rent an electric car to get there or take a train. Either way, if I want to be there with a little time to spare before Friday, my flight has to leave tomorrow morning. And shockingly enough, Mark already has a ticket on stand-by and he's just waiting for me to say yes.

"Book it"

As soon as I cut the communication off, I go upstairs to my bedroom and I start to pack my bags for the trip. I'll be away for at least two weeks and even though the spring is just around the corner, I will need to pack a great deal of winter clothing.

With my suitcase already closed and all of my affairs quite in order, I go back downstairs and for the first time in weeks, I actually take a look around my place. It is a bloody mess and there is no way I can leave the house in such a state. I need to get this shithole clean or at least habitable.

While I stuff the last boxes of pizza in a garbage bag, I turn around to the screen and I realize that the movie is almost ending so I turn the volume back up.

The house is falling apart around them and they are trying so hard to hold on to their last memory together. But they just can't. They made a huge mistake and there is no turning back. It is time to say goodbye and pray that destiny will do its part and bring them back together again. In this life or another.

As the ending credits roll up I can't help but thinking about Clementine. My Clementine, of course.

My beautiful, twisted, amazing Clementine. We made a huge mistake as well, even though I am not quite sure when. Maybe we took it to far, too fast. Maybe we failed to communicate like adults and that led to our demise. Maybe, just maybe, destiny will deliver for us the way it did for the characters in the movie.

Perhaps one day, our slates will get clean enough for us to start over. But for now, I have a plane to catch and a career to attend. A career that took me years to build and that, right now, is the only thing that keeps me from going insane.

I may not be able to hate her or push her out my life, but I'll be damned if I let her turn me into an empty shell.