The Understudy (hiatus)

Chapter Twenty One - Tydelynn

One month later

The breath caught in my throat as I jumped into the first pile of rust-coloured autumn leaves I saw. One hand was clutching my stomach in laughter and the other was entwined with Dan's. He was so tired, bless him, but managing to keep a smile for me and my stupid obsession with the first signs of Autumn. The last month had been a slow bliss: neither of us going further than kissing each other, but feeling infatuated with each other all the same. I couldn't help but feel that if Dan and I weren't together, the tour would be a bore for me. I hadn't been on stage yet. I'm sure that I was becoming a waste of money for Dick Meredith. This was proven true the night we all went out for Thai food and it made me sick. I went to bed early, but during the late evening I woke up to heave up my guts again. I was about to creep downstairs for a glass of water when I heard the snippets of conversation:
''She's not needed. I was wrong to hire her. I was just sure that you'd hurt yourself again,''
''You can't just sack her. She has a contract,''
''Maybe there's a way out of it, I don't know. Knowing the company, there's probably a loophole,''
''That's my girlfriend that you're talking about!''
''Dan, trust you manage to get with the understudy. She was here for a limited contract anyway. You're only buying her time,''
''You can't kick her off this tour. Dick, don't do this to Dan or her. Let her run her contract and see what happens,''
''Kick her off this tour and I'll kick myself off this tour,''
''Woah, let's think this out rationally! She'll be gone in the next three months anyway!''
I decided that was the time to walk downstairs and make my presence known. Coughing, I walked downstairs and into the kitchen area. I poured myself a glass of water and took a huge gulp, without looking at any of the crew sat on the sofas. I could feel their eyes burning into my spine, but I ignored it for a solid few minutes. As I turned to walk back upstairs, Dan's voice rung out, breaking the ugly silence and obvious tension.
'How are you feeling?'
I turned to look at him. I was ready to say the usual: 'Look I'm okay, just a bit off, don't you worry' but it was something about the way that everyone was looking at me, with a mixture of pity and the look of a parent that knows  something it's child doesn't, that made me speak the truth.
''I'm feeling unwanted,'

**********************************

The next morning, I really didn't want to get out of my bunk. After last night's revelation, Dan had called after me and Kyle had followed me up the stairs but I refused to speak to any of them. I just jumped in my bunk and buried my head under the covers, ignoring the shouts and the apologies and the random head stroking until they left. I didn't want their sympathy, I wanted to feel wanted.
That night, all I could think about was that word. Want. I dissected the word in my sleep, creating vibrant mind-maps in my subconscious to do with the word 'want'. I had thoughts of lust and love, that kind of want, and then I had thoughts of abandonment and absence, the opposite kind of want, and all these words rippled around my dreams.
I woke up gasping for air. I was turning into Dan, getting plagued with nightmares - which had now turned into a migraine. I ran downstairs, shivering, to find some peppermint oil for my punching temples. I was met with Dan, curled up in a ball on the sofa. I grabbed my oil, rubbed a bit on my temples and stood in front of Dan.
''Nightmare?'' I whispered. He barely looked up.
'Mmmm,'
''Dan, look at me,''
He glanced up at me for a brief second, before sighing and dropping his head to the floor again.
'Fine, be like that,'I mumbled, returning up the stairs to my bunk.
''You'll be gone soon anyway. Who cares,'' I caught him mutter as I reached the top of the stairs. I burst into tears at that very moment.
The nightmare was coming true. I'd dreamt that exactly, that Dan said he didn't care about me because I'd be gone soon. Suddenly, I felt that the only way to wake up from the nightmare was to make it worse for myself. I quickly grabbed some clothes and my personal belongings and shoved them into my black duffel bag. I got changed into a pair of old mom jeans, faded t-shirt and the trailing-lace converse I was wearing when I first got here. I bundled my hair up into a messy ponytail and pulled a black hoodie over my body. I walked across the landing, as quietly as I could, and down a different set of stairs which lead to the front part of the bus where Jonathan was driving.
'' 'ello kiddo,' He smiled warmly.
''Hey, John. When's the next time you can stop? I'm getting off the bus,'' I mumbled, flopping into the passenger seat beside him.
''What you stoppin' off for, love?'
'I'm not needed on here. They're finding a rig in my contract, so I'm going to go now. I don't want to be here,'' Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I put my head in my hands and groaned in annoyance.
''Now, I don't know what it is tha's goin' on, lass. All I know is that leavin' in the dead of night wunna do 'ya any good. Sleep on it, lovey. I'm stoppin' for some fuel in about half an hour if 'ya wanna get some air. Wait 'till they make you go. Don't show 'yer arse to 'em. Can I tell you something? I haven't seen Dan this fuckin' happy in his life. Ever. Lass, you must have somert about 'ya to make that lad look so content. He's goin' around like a puppy, a little lovesick puppy - I tell 'ya, I've known that lad a long time and he's never been like this. He can be difficult sometimes, I've seen it, but he's content with you. Take a walk, take some air, love. Unpack that bag and get 'yer head down on that pillow. I might do after we get some fuel,''
So I did just that. Jonathan stopped for some fuel and told me to take as long as I liked because he was going to sleep anyway. I walked a few miles away from the petrol station and found myself in a little village. My feet slapped against the little cobblestone roads as millions of thoughts ran through my head. I looked up and saw colourful bunting, illuminated my streetlights, zig-zagging across the road I was walking down. It was about three in the morning - which, looking back, was not a good time to be outside in a unknown place - so everywhere was shut, apart a little twenty-four hour ASDA. I ran in and bought myself a little bottle of Nookie Brown, it was the first bottle of alcohol I saw, and found myself a park bench to sit on.
So you've become a chav now, Tyde, I thought. Nice one.
About five minutes and a quarter of a bottle gone, I was aware of a stranger sitting next to me.
''Can I help you?'' I asked, turning towards him.
''Fancy sharing that?''
''I bloody don't thank you,'' I scoffed, taking a huge swig.
''Shame. I could really do with it. I've had a shit night, and it looks like you have as well,''
''Well, thanks for that,''
The stranger looked at me, his big brown eyes staring me down. I offered him the nookie to escape his gaze. He was about my age, attractive-looking if you were into the indie/mod type.
He graciously nodded and took a sip of the beer, handing it back to me.
''How did you know that I'd had a shit night?''
The stranger moved his hand and placed it behind my back, pushing my spine off the supporting wood of the bench. I turned around and there was a plaque on the wood.
'The bench for drinking when you feel like hell has you'
And without a word, he got up, kissed my cheek and disappeared into the night.

I got back onto the bus about an hour later and crawled up the stairs to my bunk.  I thought Dan was sound asleep in his. I was just settling myself down for sleep when I heard Dan whisper from the other side of the room.
''Where did you disappear to?''
I sighed. ''I went for a walk to clear my head,''
''We'll see about that story in the morning,''
What? Was Dan implying that I was lying?