Full Circle (Book 8 in Arrow/Spn Crossover)

An Answer Or Two

I don't think anyone, ever, had just listened to Cas. I know I never had, which was pretty fucked up now that I think about it. I'd prayed to him, yelled at him, begged him for help, joked with him but I never did the one thing that he'd always done for me, listen. We'd both always been more the screw talking, solve the problem and move on type of people, or angels and it was pretty obvious to me now that we'd talked past and around each other for years. He started out talking about things I knew about, things that had happened since we'd known each other, but it didn't take all that long for him to start referring to things he'd done years and years ago.

Stories of his garrison, Balthazar and the rest. What they'd been like in what passed for happier times in Heaven. When they all still thought God actually cared about them, that they knew the plan, knew their roles, or did until Sam and I came along and threw a wrench into things. How many times they'd protected each other in battle against demons, the orders that they'd carried out without ever really knowing why. What they'd understood as love, but what he'd since realized was just fear. Fear of Father, fear of falling, fear of being cast out. How he'd always felt that something was off, even before Sam and I, but that he never felt that he questioned out of a need to rebel, but a need to understand, see the larger picture. Then when he did, well, truth very rarely sets anyone free. That's a line of bullshit to make all of us who've gotten burned by the truth feel like we've gained something. We haven't, but at least we can sound all wise and deep.

The more he talked, the clearer it got how desperate he'd been over the last few years. It's not like the whole sucking up all the Leviathans in Purgatory was a move someone who had hope in a positive outcome would make. It was kind of his version of the Mark of Cain. I'd been at pretty much rock bottom when I went right past the user agreement on that. I just checked that "I accept" box, gave Cain my arm and powered right on through.

Cas in a lot of ways has it so much worse than I ever did though. He'd been crammed in a physical body that wasn't even his true form for years now. He'd gone from being one of the most powerful things out there, to a mere human, to stealing Grace from his fellow angels, then getting most of his mojo back, then losing one of the main things that made him who and what he was, his wings, and through it all he'd been on the run from the only beings that could really understand him. Sam and I will never be able to relate to him like another angel could, and now he couldn't even talk to them much less go back to Heaven.

And what had he gotten for all his troubles? Sam and I will die at some point, well maybe not as soon now, but still, it's bound to happen. Once we do, who would he have left? What would be his mission? His reason for still roaming the earth. What bugged the crap out of me was I had no answers for him, nothing I could say that wouldn't sound totally lame. Was he supposed to spend eternity hunting monsters? Sure, he'd be saving people but for him that wasn't exactly a challenging or rewarding career. I mean, he can just walk up and kill the damn things with the touch of his hand.

About an hour into our talk the garage door opened. Sam walked in with a couple of carry out bags in his hands, "Here you go. I doubled up on the usual order." I'd shifted positions so that I was leaning against Baby watching Cas talk, which meant my back was to the door so Sam couldn't really see Cas or I. I turned to look at Sam and as soon as he saw Cas and I he slowed down. "Uh, everything okay?"

Cas wasn't exactly in tears but he wasn't hiding how upset he was, "I am not sure. Dean insisted I sit down and start talking,and well, for some reason I haven't been able to stop."

"It's called venting Cas," I said, "You're way overdo for it. Remember when I asked about depressed angels?" I asked Sam.

"Yeah? Oh."

He set the bags on Baby's hood, sat down on the stool that I'd vacated and looked at Cas. "Why didn't you tell me you'd been exiled? You've spent weeks at a time here. I knew something was up."