Full Circle (Book 8 in Arrow/Spn Crossover)

How to Help An Angel

The silence lasted for probably two or three minutes. Thanks to the pack bond I could tell Sam wasn't exactly sure what to think. He was excited but kind of confused, Cas just kept staring at me.

"Cas? You okay?"

"I'm not sure what to say. This is an important event for you and...well, I'm just not sure why you wish to have me along. Not that I am not extremely grateful and overwhelmed by the offer.

Right, angels don't really have vacations, well unless you're Gabriel or Balthazar. "What you've told me over the last day or so, well, it boils down to this. You're lost Cas, you just won't admit it or maybe you don't understand what you're feeling. You've got no angels left in your life, no one that can really relate to you, understand you, Sam and I have never been angels. We don't know what you really lost when you lost your wings. I sure as hell can't comprehend that, neither can Sam." Sam's face had gone dead still when I brought that up. I doubted Cas had ever mentioned anything regarding losing his wings to Sam over the years either. "But what we can understand is being alone, losing everything, being on the outside of the world looking in. Thinking we made the right choices only to have it blow up in our faces. Those things we get in spades. I know why you're not turning off angel radio, I may not agree with it, but I won't tell you how to deal with your guilt, I'm the last person to give advice on that. What I will tell you is that dwelling on it for the rest of eternity won't help anyone, especially you. I want you to come on this cruise because in all the years we've known each other, all we've done is save the world, there's more to life than that. Hell Cas, you were here at the beginning of the it all, the world, humans, all of it. You, more than anyone, deserves to take some time off and appreciate what you've fought to save and watched over has to offer. You need to let go of the past, the angels, your bad choices. What happened, happened. I've spent most of the last year letting things go, I know it works but you can't let go of the past if you don't try something new. This cruise, it's a step in that direction. I want you there because I want to help you, plain and simple."

His mouth moved but nothing came out.

Sam's confusion had faded the more I'd talked, he got it now, got what I was trying to do. "Neither of us would still be here if it weren't for you Cas," he said, "You've lost so much helping us, things that we can never replace or fix. You're the one that needs help now, not us."

Somehow that hit him in the exact opposite way than I think Sam had planned on. That emptiness came back into his eyes, "Yes, it's not like you'll be in need of healing anymore."

"That's not what I meant," Sam stated, "And that's sure as hell not the reason we care about you."

I pulled out the chair next to Cas and got right in his face, "You are not just a tool, not for us. You're not a soldier that's only judged by how well he follows orders. You're not some divine version of a mindless robot. You're not worthless without your wings. Whatever bullshit crap you've been hearing on angel radio or when you got banished and hunted until you made it back, it's not who you are. You're your own being. Heaven exiled you, you don't owe them a damn thing anymore." I could see the objections forming in his mind, "No, uh-uh, don't even go there. You did way more good than bad. For starters, without you we never would have gotten Lucifer back in the Cage. Who the hell knows if I'd been able to stand up to Michael as long as I did without you backing me. Stop dwelling on your fuckups Cas, you're not God."

"And even he fucked up," Sam added, "You've done more to save this world than he has, if anything that makes you better than he is."

A hint of belligerence flared in Cas' eyes, which was what Sam had been aiming for.

"I am not better than God."

Sam shrugged, "You are in our book."

"That's the only book that counts," I said.

Cas switched his gaze back and forth from Sam and I for a second, then his head dropped down and he focused on the table. "Thank you." It seemed like the weight of all his billions of years of existence was pressing down on him, "I will join you." He looked up towards the door, then down the hall and finally towards the garage as if he wasn't sure what to do now.

"How about you and I go for a drive?" Sam said, "He built me this sweet ass car for my birthday. Would love to show you."

"I'd...I'd like that."

"He needs to think, I'll keep an eye on him." Sam's voice echoed through my head.

"Sounds good. You down with coming on the cruise?"

"Yes. Thanks, it means a lot and no matter what weird feelings you pick up from me, I'm happy for you. Don't ever think otherwise."

"I know, and you're welcome."

They headed out to the garage. I started walking through the place, looking at the pics Sam had hung up. There were a few of him, Thea, Felicity and Roy at what looked like a zoo, big smiles on their faces with a giraffe standing behind them. Roy was mugging for the shot, a goofy look on his face, Sam was, as usual, in the back of the group, his hand on Felicity's shoulder. He was smiling but I could see it, how much he was wishing things could be different. This whole being wolves thing would make him feel more isolated. It'd been hard enough for us to find women when we were human hunters, but now? I knew he'd already added that to the list of reasons why he felt like he was cursed. That was where that anger earlier had come from. There wasn't a lot I could do about it either, it's not like I could run a personal ad for him. I just had to find some way to try to fill the gap until he'd somehow luck out like I had. He deserved it a lot more than I did, he was the one who'd given everything up to save the world, and was willing to do it more than once. I'd just given everything up to save him.