Home is who you are

Part Seventeen

17

Flávia went back to Minas Gerais, Larissa had to work at the pharmacy and Lucas went to daycare. Life went on for everyone. Gabi spent most of her days with her parents, typing her father's stories and poems and discussing life, choices, the past and the future.

Her old school friends Íris and Pedro visited a couple of times. They were not completely stranded yet, they still cared a lot about each other, but Gabi felt that things were not the same anymore. They didn't know what to talk about. Her life was too far and unimaginable to them and their lives hadn't changed much over the years.

Sometimes she went for a walk. Her neighborhood looked the same. The houses, the squares, the stores, the people. The entire city looked the same. So why did she feel like such an alien?

Two days before going back to Brussels her friends convinced her to go out for a drink. They went to a bar and pizzeria where they used to celebrate finals. There was live music and they ordered caipirinhas and one giant chicken and cream cheese pizza cut up in little squares for sharing.

"Are you okay?" Íris asked.

"Yes, why?" Gabi replied.

"You're too quiet." Íris said.

"I can't stop thinking about going back."

"Do you feel like staying?" Pedro asked.

"I don't know. I couldn't ask that of Tony." Gabi said.

"Have you ever discussed the possibility?" Íris asked.

"No, that had never crossed our minds, actually." Gabi said.

"So how do you know he wouldn't come?" Pedro asked. "Oh, we would love to have you here again!" He practically shouted.

"Is that-" Gabi looked over Pedro's shoulder.

He glanced back. "Oh my God!"

"Have you seen him since?" Íris asked.

"No, I haven't seen him in years. He looks so different from what I remember."

"You mean fat." Pedro said.

"Do you know he got married?" Íris asked.

"Really? To that girl you told me?"

"Uh-hu." She nodded.

At that moment he saw them. He looked at Gabi, went pale, and tried a little shy smile and a wave. She smiled and waved back. After some hesitation he came over to their table. Gabi got up and greeted him with a kiss on the cheek.

"Hi." She said. She could think of nothing else.

"Hi. Uh... it's been a while." He said.

"Yeah..."

"How's life?"

"Good."

"I heard about your uncle. I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"Are you alone? Want to sit with us?" Pedro said.

I will kill you, Pedro.

"My friends are running late, so I guess I could catch up with you guys for a while."

They sat down, ordered another round of drinks and appetizers and pretended to listen to the band for a while.

"I have to go to the restroom. Excuse me." Pedro got up and left.

"Me too, be right back." Íris got up and left.

Subtle.

"Where do you live now? New York?" He asked.

"Oh no, we moved to Brussels a few months ago. My husband's company transferred him." Gabi sat very stiff, straight back, hands on her lap. "And how are things going for you?" She felt like a nervous teenager again.

"Great! Got married, we're expecting."

"Congratulations!" She croaked. "Boy or girl?"

"Girl."

"Does she have a name yet?"

"Melissa."

Melissa. Would that be our baby's name if we were still together? No, Gabriela, don't go there!

"That's beautiful. Congratulations again, you'll be a great dad."

"You think so?"

"Sure!"

Gabi looked around for a sign of her friends. Nothing.

"How long are you staying?"

"I leave in two days."

"Oh, that's a shame. I was hoping to see you around again."

"Maybe next time?"

He sipped his drink. Gabi sent Íris a text message: Where are you?!

"Gabi, I think I should tell you something before you leave and who knows when we'll meet again."

Oh, no, no, no. "Sure, I'm listening."

"You should know that I regret never being serious with you. I didn't know better."

"Neither of us did."

"I didn't know then what I felt for you."

"You know what, Victor? I really don't want to talk about it." She smiled, sipped her caipirinha and looked around for her friends. That was getting ridiculous. She didn't want to deal with old feelings, the new ones were a handful as they were.

"I need you to know that."

"It took me years to get over you!" She said in an angry whisper.

"I know, I know-"

"No. You have no idea." She struggled with her options: shutting up and leaving or finally telling him how she felt. She suddenly felt calm and clear. "You have no idea how much I loved you, how much I wanted us to be a couple, how I dreamed with a future with you. But for you it was only fun."

"That's not true."

"It is true! You know it. You were so handsome and smart, you could have any girl you wanted. And you couldn't be happy with only one."

"I was too young, I didn't know what I was missing out. Or who I was hurting."

"I was heartbroken! I thought about you for years!"

"I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, me too." Gabi took her purse. "But you know what? That's the past. Let's let it go." She got up.

"I did love you, Gabi."

"Yeah. Take care."

Later that night Gabi found her old journal where she had left it: on the bottom of a box full of law books, tucked on the top of her closet. She read and reread various passages where she described her relationship with Victor. She felt so relieved to have seen him and said what brewed in her heart for so long that she had even forgotten. She had been the one who decided to part and not speak again, but she had always wanted him to know how much she had loved him and how much he had hurt her with his busyness, unavailability and pretty much just calling her for sex.

He will never give me what I need. I am tired of giving more than I receive. I deserve better.

That was the last she wrote about him before ignoring his calls, texts and emails. It didn't take long for him to give up. Gabi spent years thinking about him and comparing her new boyfriends to him. They never lasted more than three months.

She cried and cried over that diary. It was as if a younger version of herself was speaking to her. Everything passes. She fell asleep in her clothes and smudged makeup.

***