Home is who you are

Part Sixteen

16

Before she knew it, Gabi was on a plane to Brazil with her sister and brother-in-law. It was the first time she was going back since she got married and moved to the United States. She didn't know what to expect and she kept on trying to remember what home felt like. The smell of her mother's food, the old couch where she lay reading for hours, waking up early to her father's humming and freshly brewed coffee, going to school with her sisters... But those memories were too old, that was not her home anymore.

Her seat became too uncomfortable and the plane was too dark. She took a stroll up and down the aisles and went to the toilet. She tried to watch a movie. She felt cold. She turned her overhead light on, found a blanket and tried to read. It was too hot. She could not breathe. She went to the toilet again. After a few hours of that misery, Gabi gave in and took the sleeping pill her sister had brought.

They woke up stiff and thirsty just before landing in Brasília. It took Gabi a few seconds to understand where she was and why. First came the tears, quiet and unstoppable. Then the shaking and sweating.

"Breathe... breathe..." Her sister kept saying.

"I need to get out of here!" Gabi said, almost too low to be heard.

"There, we just landed! Hang on a few more minutes."

People started taking their bags and standing on the aisles, ready to get out. The plane was crowded. Gabi shut her eyes and held her sister's hand.

"Breathe... it's okay."

She went through passport control and baggage claim on a haze. It was so weird, everyone around spoke Portuguese. It was so loud! And hot! Gabi halted, dropped her bag on the floor, took her scarf off, took her jacket off, threw everything on the bag, tied her hair up in a knot, put her hands on her hips, inhaled deeply and looked around. Flávia and Rodrigo waited in silence.

"I can't do this!" Gabi burst.

"Can't do what, honey?" Flávia came up to her and held her shoulders.

"I can't..." Gabi cried. "Nothing makes sense anymore! I can't go home. Dad hates me! His only brother just died, I abandoned my family... This isn't right." She sobbed. "I don't see Lucas growing up and now you're going to have a baby and I'll miss that too!"

"Shh, shh..." Flávia hugged Gabi and gestured for her husband to go away.

"And I lost a baby last year and I don't even know if I want to stay married anymore and I have wasted years of my life and I'm almost thirty! Everything is wrong!"

"You were pregnant?"

Gabi nodded.

"What happened?"

"Natural miscarriage."

"Oh, Gabi, I'm so sorry."

They hugged tight.

"I didn't know you guys were planning to have a baby."

"We weren't. It just happened. I didn't even know until-"

"And how do you feel about it? Do you want a child now? Is that why you're upset?"

"Honestly, no. I can't have a baby when I'm such a mess."

They saw Rodrigo waving and calling out. He had gotten a cab.

"Let's talk about this later, okay? Dad needs us now. You're home, everything will be fine."

Gabi had not seen her father in more than two years. He had not changed much, except for the eyes, tired and sad. They spent a few quiet days mourning, playing with Lucas and sharing memories of Uncle Jorge. Her father listened and hid in his bedroom. She wanted to hug him so bad, to bury her face on his neck and say she was sorry and to make sure he knew how much she loved him.

She got up early on the first few days, since she was not used to the time difference yet. She walked around the house, noticing changes and remembering what it used to look like. She walked quietly so not to wake anyone. She sat on an old armchair she loved, closed her eyes and felt surrounded by life and love.

One day she found her dad brewing coffee. He poured two big cups and Gabi sat across from him at the kitchen table.

"Your uncle and I were very different, you know." He started, looking up from his cup and meeting Gabi's expectant eyes. "We disagreed a lot and I just didn't understand him."

Uncle Jorge was a poet and a musician. He had never married, but there had always been a woman in his life. He was broke more often than not, borrowed money from Gabi's dad and that was the main cause of their arguments. Sometimes he signed nice contracts, went on tours - even to other countries - and came back to pay his debt and tell his stories. The girls loved him, he was Gabi's childhood hero: relaxed and cool, the opposite of her father.

However different they were, her dad and uncle truly loved each other and were always there when needed. Growing up poor and without a father, they had learned the importance of family, of sticking together and of hard work. Her dad took that so seriously that he couldn't forgive her when she left them and quit her career.

"All I wanted for our family was stability. Certainty. Comfort. I worked hard all my life so that we would never lack anything, so that you girls could study and have a good future."

"Dad, I-"

"Jorge always said that I was too strict, that I expected too much, that I put too much pressure on you, that I didn't let you live your own lives."

"That's not-"

"He was right! I wanted to make you girls follow the path I chose, thinking it was the best way, the only way of having a decent life, of being respected... But then you left, Larissa got pregnant, and I wondered what I had done wrong. It was hard to forgive you, Gabriela, but it was even harder to forgive myself. Did I drive you away?"

"No, dad. I was in love. I had this big romantic idea around him and living in New York. I was also confused and tired, I had to go."

"Are you happy?"

"I am. I... I'm not sure. Sometimes it's hard."

"I know."

They sat in silence for a while, finished their coffee and ate some bread with butter. They had never talked so openly, it was a visible struggle for both of them.

"Come with me. I have to show you something." Her father said. She followed him. "Wait here." She sat on the couch in the living room and he went into his bedroom, coming back with a big cardboard box. In it were notebooks, loose sheets, small notepads and envelopes.

"Dad, what's all this?" Gabi asked, as he set the box on the floor, between them.

"My writings."

"Your... you write? I never knew."

"Nobody knows. Except your mom. And Jorge. Here are some letters we exchanged, do you want to see them?"

"Of course!" She went through some random letters and notes. "Did you write this poem?"

"Let me see it. Yes, around the time I met your mom."

"It's so beautiful. What else have you written?"

"Stories. Some I heard from your grandmother when I was a child."

"Why did you hide this from us?"

"I never meant to... I just stopped for a while. Work was more important."

"Have you ever thought of publishing?"

"I thought about it sometimes, yes. Your uncle always encouraged me to get it done and to write more and to follow my heart. But that was his thing, not mine. I had a family to support."

"So you ignored your creativity."

"I don't regret it. But I was a little jealous of Jorge sometimes."

"You know... Now we're all grown up."

"And I'm retired! I can do it now. I have to. For him. For us. Will you help me?"

"Oh, dad, of course!"

They hugged awkwardly across the couch, with the big box of papers in the middle.

***