Anthropophobia → a.i

0.9

"Look at that, I made it! I got a B"

"That's great" I said and smiled. It almost felt real.

"Thank you " Ashton said and smiled. Then he turned around and left. I was alone again, something that really didn't bother me as per usual.

I walked alone to class and sat at my usual seat. My friend didn't come today and it was like I was the same girl as I was 7 months ago.

But I wasn't. My therapist said so, my family said so, I even noticed it myself. And I think that is what scared me the most.

Or maybe that the fact everybody says I'm doing better. Maybe I'm used to being sick and anti-social and now that I'm less afraid of people I get scared that I will start freaking out again.

I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my life. The change was needed. I feel better. Yeah...

---

"And yeah, he got a B"

"How did you feel when you were helping him study?" My therapist asked and I took some time to myself to consider this.

"It was okay. Even though the conversation wasn't exactly about Latin" I said after a couple of minutes.

"Do you maybe want to talk about that? " I do want to.

"He asked about my illness" Somehow; even though I felt like sharing things with my therapist all I could say was that. But she remained silent.

"He touched me. I let him"

"That's good. It's progress. Unless you felt like drowning" she explained.

"Yes you see, I expected that feeling. But it was...nice I suppose. I felt at ease after a bit" I confessed. Not to her. Mostly to me. I liked that he touched me and that I didn't freak out.

"Progress"

---

It's amazing how easy it crumpled back down to me.

The progress. While I was on my own; silently not messing with anybody and waiting for the bell to signal the start of the last period, I saw her. That girl that was all over him. That girl that I recognized as his ex, his ex that cheated on him.

She was hugging him and he did nothing. He seemed okay. He looked like he accepted her touch. I started to feel weird.

I don't know what this is. Or why it's bothering me. It's not like I could ever be with Ashton. I'm not that good for him. I'm sick and I need to take care of me first.

I would be an idiot if I said that seeing them together left me indifferent. But I would also be an idiot if I acted like I cared around him.

I know Ash likes me. I know if circumstances were different he would ask me out. But things aren't different and I'm in no position to start sharing my feelings with someone other than my therapist.

So as they passed by me I smiled. Towards him. I showed my best behavior and then the bell rang. So I took my different way towards my class.

I was thankful. I could let my thoughts eat me alive in peace now.

***

It's small I know I suck.

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