Anthropophobia → a.i

0.5

sorry for the other day. I didn't mean to be rude or upset you

~ash

Bullshit.

I crumpled the small piece of paper and threw it to the bin nearby along with the stupid flower he had managed to slip in my locker.

How he did that is beyond me. I completely tried my best to ignore everybody once again like every other day and everything was going perfectly fine until I had to go to that horrible horrible class that I was sharing with the horrible, obnoxious and persisten Ashton Irwin.

My therapist thinks this is progress. That even with such hardship I still manage to say something to him even if that something is to leave me alone and forget my existence. I, on the other hand still think that I'm going to have a heart attack next time he says even hi to me.

Speak of the devil.

He was walking towards the door for our next class and I saw that he saw me as well. I was a bit frozen but thank god he stopped walking and nodded his head towards the door. To say I was surprised would be an understandment but I nonetheless walked inside the classroom and sat down at the very back where I would be left alone to myself.

And luckily that was how the rest of the day was. I ran to every class and whenever I saw Ashton on the hallway he either looked down or he stopped walking until I was far away.

It was a gesture I didn't expect him to do since all this time he did nothing but ignore me when I told him to leave me alone, but it was gratefully accepted. To be honest it made my day a bit easier because now I didn't have to care about avoiding him in the hallway.

It was like he finally realized how serious the situation is and decided to be helpful instead of annoying me and most of all, intimidating me.

When I went to my therapist we talked the entire hour about my school day and it was somehow better than the other times. She also gave me a little 'project' to do for home.

I was supposed to write down every time I felt uneasy and then think why I'm feeling like this an how many are the chances of that stress over people hurting can actually be true.

So I started doing that. First couple of weeks I took the papers to fill them at school since it was the most stressful place for me. As time passed though I have to admit that my phobia towards any person that was close to me reduced. Which may seem like nothing but it was huge progress for me.

The therapist saw it too. So now she told me that I should try to talk to at least on person per week. And whenever I feel intimidated or stressed I should think of what I would have written to the papers.

If my fear is unreasonable or not. And if yes, how much does that affect me.

It helped, it did. And after three weeks there was this girl at my English class that I felt like talking to. Like she wouldn't hurt me.

I, also tried talking to my family. It was easier than other people. My therapist said that my fear towards my family was unreasonable. I just had to think how many good times I have spent with them. Mum was erratic, dad was smiling again. It was a good sight. My sister didn't realize much but that's okay.

Of course the fear is still there. I don't think it will go away. I just have to learn how to deal with it.

Also all this progress didn't happen during a month, no, four months so I could talk to four people.

"What are you thinking now?" I heard my therapist's voice, low and calm, ask me.

I must have spaced out again.

I still found difficulty in looking in their eyes, so I lifted my head and let my eyes wonder around her office like I have done so many times before.

"Just of these past months" I mumbled.

"Are you proud of yourself?" She asked again. Always keeping her face with no expression whatsoever.

"Somehow. Maybe a bit" I admitted. It wasn't as hard as I had imagined. Which was a big surprise for me but I didn't mind.

"How would you feel if we talked about Ashton?" She, then, asked.

"What about him?" I asked. Why did she have to bring him up now? I was more than happy to forget about him.

Not that I could. He was somehow always in front of me. In the halls. At history. In my thoughts.

Sometimes I caught myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should thank him. He was like a wake up call. Nobody talked to me before and when he did I realized how much I needed help. How much I should make use of my therapist's help.

"Don't you want to talk to me about him?" She asked again.

"I don't know" I answered truthfully.

"Alright. Here is your new project. Talk to Ashton"

***

Finals are almost over. I hope I'll be able to update more often :)

Enjoy your Sunday