The Circle of Life - Addicted Series - BOOK 4

8. Karma is a bi*ch

The television in the living room blared the movie Madagascar - the all too familiar Alex - the lion, Marty - the zebra and Melman - the giraffe. Druv had probably watched this a million times. Lana was completely immersed in the movie, cuddling with large brown hippo as a pillow, giggling every now and then. Siddy was watching the movie but not fully, he was also working on his Rubik's cube. I was sitting in between them completely zoned out.

The last two days had me turn into a zombie of sorts. It was as if a meteor hit my head and wiped the brain off clean.I am here but not here.

I know, for a fact know, that Lana is my daughter and Siddy is my son but I barely feel anything paternal towards them, nothing like what I had felt for Druv, other than the sense of duty to protect them. I don't think they feel anything more than what they were to told to feel towards me anyways.

I know Lia is probably dead. Neal may have all sorts of conspiracy theories running in his head, but fact of the matter is a national agency declared her death. I am supposed to be devastated and grieving. But, honestly, I feel no such thing. If I do feel something amidst all this, it is anger. Wild, unadulterated, vein burning anger.

She had sat across from me, in all her calmness and made promises that she knew she was not going to keep.

"It is six months Nick. It will go by before we know it."

"I am pretty sure that's not the case, Lia. Six months is a long time. We are finally together after all these hassles and trauma. And you are leaving now, seriously? Baby, I cannot be away from you right now. Maybe a couple of years later. But, right now, I am sorry but I cannot let you go."

"If not now, then when Nikki? You said you want to have kids soon. Come on. This is really big for me and I have wanted to work on a project like this all my life!"

"A BIG FAT NO!"

"This will make us stronger." she had said.

Stronger?

I will tell you how strong she had made me. When I was little, Dad had to hire some men to cut down this huge tree in our front yard. It was growing wild and free and was obstructing the electricity lines on the street. Three men came and used this gigantic machine saw to cut it down. It took them more than half a day. But, the interesting thing for me was, even with all that heavy machinery, they could only chop off the branches and the torso. The roots were so deep into the ground that they could not uproot it.

So, since then, there is this dead tree, about two feet high, lining against the inner fence of the house. As kids, we used to jump on it, played games on it, it was our snack table, drinks table. If we ever had to jump over the fence to sneak out of the house, that was the stool that gave us a two feet clearance. We used it for all sorts of other things.

I feel about as strong like that dead tree right now. I have zero zeal to continue living. I feel stunted and ripped apart from inside out. My mind is blank and my heart is cold. But, I know I have to keep going, keep fighting with the emptiness inside me, keep fighting with the urge to give up on life and keep fighting to stop the darkness from taking me over.

With what?

I get up and carry the left over pizza boxes to save it for Neal.  I stare at the million pictures on the door of fridge. Their journey of eight years - birthdays, festivals, graduations, piano recitals, baseball games and so many more -  neatly cataloged in pictures. If this wasn't declaring me dead, I don't know what is?

My fingers flinch in cold fury, and in that weak moment, I realize that it is good thing she is dead, otherwise, I would have strangled her myself. I go to the closet outside and find an empty shoe box. Kneeling in front of the fridge, I take them down, one by one, each and every one of those pictures, as quickly as I could. Atleast, my blurry eyes prevent me from seeing these pictures in detail.