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Chapter 3: Joshs POV

"I bang my head against the moon
I bang my fist against the wall
You always used to get me high
Now all I do is crash and fall
I'm going through withdrawals"
- Tyler Farr

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I prayed nobody could hear it against the stool. I rocked slightly back and forth, to keep my butt from becoming numb from the vibrations. Please don't let my missed call ding wouldn't go off. We were in a live stream, the last thing I needed was to have a breakdown. Obviously it wasn't my sister calling, after all she was out in the 604 lobby waiting for me. She knew I was here. It wasn't my band mates, they were all sitting around me. Not my record labels, they're here. Amanda? Ashtyn? Please don't be either of those. I made a big mistake calling her last night.

No I didn't. I meant to call her. Drunk or not I wanted to talk to her, and I'm sure if I had been sober, and had it not been 3 am, she would've talked to me. Why was she up at 3 am anyway? My phone vibrated again announcing a voicemail. Oh. Great. My chest tightened up.

I tried really hard to focus back on the live stream. Favorite 80s movie? I think Mike said Back to the Future . "Back to the future's pretty good. I just watched back to the future two last night" I mumbled as they talked over me. This needed to be over. I needed to call Ashtyn back. At least I'm assuming it's Ashtyn.  I hope it's Ashtyn.

Everything went downhill after I broke it off. No, we hadn't been in an "official" relationship. But we had a romantic relationship nonetheless. She was cute and funny as hell, without even trying to be. Her jokes were just mindless chatter that flew from her mouth, still they left me cramping up in laughter. Every moment I spent with her made me happy. Then I left...in my fit of anger and my fear of the public eye, I left her.

Come to think of it, maybe she left. Not me, but Vancouver. I hadn't seen her around like I had the first few weeks of our split. And I don't recall Mike asking her to babysit anymore. It took me four years to notice this...I had been so preoccupied with Ever After, and Astoria and health problems, that I never once thought of her. She couldn't have been thinking of me either. She didn't recognize my number, she never reached out to me, she probably hadn't thought of me for years either.

When I focused back to reality I hadn't even notice that I'd began singing. It had become such a habit by now that I could do it subconsciously. Of course my demeanor changed slightly as I became aware, but nothing else changed. I just wanted this to be over. I wanted to call Ashtyn. Weather it was her who called me or not I was going to call her. I needed to hear her voice to be happy.

We finished the singing and Jonathan Simkin gave his spiel about playing the album on the live stream. I sat silently and smiled, I was happy. I am happy. I repeated to myself. I am taking things perfectly fine. As soon as the cameras were off of us I took out my phone.

1 missed call

1 new voicemail

I glanced around. Mike and Matt had already headed to the lobby. Ian had out his phone to call and check on Kim. And I headed outside for a smoke break. I took out my e-cig and called my voicemail.

"I'm a fucking rebound aren't I?! Something didn't work out with you and Amanda so you come crawling back to me as a last resort? Is that how it is? Goddamn it Ramsay!"

I took a deep breath of vapor and let it escape my mouth slowly.

"You really thought I wouldn't catch on? I'm not stupid! Do you realize you chose the wrong girl yet? Huh Josh? Ever think that just maybe we could've actually been something! Well if you hadn't left me like that then we could! I didn't fucking talk for a month after you left me Joshua. I couldn't form words to describe how I felt. You left me. You told me how I could only be a friend after all that we'd been through. After every late night talk, after every time you called me crying, after every time you almost caved in to your dire wishes, after every kiss and every touch you told me I wound never be anything more than a friend!"

Tears formed in my eyes.

"And after that you fucking called me crazy." She did that 'I'm pissed off' laugh that girls do. "You called me crazy and you told me to never talk to you again. You told me to not listen to your music. You told me if I told anyone about us that I would be the one in trouble. That I would be the one who got lashed from the public. I'd be the one to face Amanda's wrath. Do you know what happened to me Josh? I was put in the hospital for depression."

Silence.

"And now you have the audacity to call me and tell me you miss me. Bullshit."

Silence.

"How do I delete a voicemail? Fuck." Dial tone.

The juice in my e-cig was nearly gone. I inhaled once more and walked into the lobby with a fake smile.