All Because of You

Chapter 10

Connor dragged me out for lunch and once again offered me the apartment keys, but I refused again, insisting instead to follow him back to the office and wandering the building all day. In only a day, I managed to figure out the basic layout of the building so I could at least navigate myself around without help.

By the time we were ready to leave for the day, the sun was already beginning to set. Connor and I walked to his apartment in silence, half mesmerized by the setting sun and half unsure as to what to say. I hated how awkward we were being, but at the same time, I didn't know how to stop it. I wasn't even sure it was something I wanted to stop; if the awkwardness went away, I'd have nothing to protect Connor from my idiocy.

"I have a guest room I guess, but it doesn't have a bed in it..." Connor said awkwardly as he unlocked his apartment door, holding it open for me.

"It's fine," I said just as awkwardly, side-stepping him and trying not to trip over myself as I scuttled into his home. My plan was to immediately escape back to wherever I was staying, the guest bedroom I guess, but I quickly realized that that wouldn't work.

"Where... Where is it?" I asked timidly, hanging on to the back of the couch lightly.

"Oh! It's... Umm...." He mumbled, juggling his laptop, phone, and keys. "Gimme a sec." Setting down his stuff carefully on the couch, Connor led me down the hall. "Is ordering Chinese tonight okay? I don't really feel like cooking." He froze outside the doorway, holding onto the doorknob and preventing me from escaping inside.

"Yeah, that's fine. I'm not really hungry anyways," I lied smoothly, gently nudging Connor out of the way so I could get inside. I smiled at Connor once I was safely inside, safely almost away from him. "Thank you." With that, I closed the door quietly, trying not to be rude. I held my breath, listening to him sigh quietly before walking away. It wasn't until I was sure he was gone that I let myself breathe again.

Fuck, he hates me, I immediately thought, sinking to the floor with my head in between my hands. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, this was a bad idea.

I didn't want to be alone with Connor, I didn't want to be alone with myself, I didn't want to leave the room in fear of running into Connor. I was trapped.

I curled up in a little ball in the middle of the room, tears running silently down my cheeks. I hadn't wanted this to happen, I didn't want to like Connor like this. My crushes were always poison, ruining my life and the lives of those around me. I wanted, needed to run, to get away from life, from Connor, from everything. I wanted to flee, but instead, I lay immobile on the floor, losing track of time as I cried and thought and mentally tried to run.

Eventually Connor knocked timidly on my door, and I forced myself to uncurl and sit up.

"Yeah?" I called, not entirely trusting my own voice but knowing I didn't have a choice.

"Chinese is here," Connor called through the door. Fuck. I forgot about that.

"Eat without me. I'm not hungry." I replied, burying my face in my armss wearily.

"No," Connor replied stubbornly. "Chinese is here and you're gonna come eat. With me. And we're gonna talk." That sent my mind into panic mode; alone with Connor, who was bent on finding and fixing the problem.

"Can we not?" I whispered quietly, half hoping he wouldn't hear me.

"We have to, Troye, you know we do," he said softly, his voice gentle. "May I come in?" The doorknob began to turn and I panicked, leaping up to throw my body weight against the door to make sure it didn't open.

"No!" The door rattled.

"Troye, let me in! Are you okay?" Connor sounded panicked now, like he was afraid of what I might have done.