Lapis and Peridot

Oh, Lapis...

[Peridot's POV]

What in the name of the great diamond authorities was I supposed to do now? I struggled to keep a straight, composed face, but I'm afraid my success was minimal. It didn't matter, anyway; Lazuli had closed her eyes and was... just lying on the ground doing nothing? Wait, what? What was going on? This had to be a ruse! Was she faking? What was she faking? What should I do? I daren't call Jasper, I daren't! She'd get me in such trouble with Yellow Diamond! I'd be shattered, or at least punished for 'fraternizing with traitors'! No, no, can't panic, have to breathe, Jasper could come in any minute, oh, I am going to be in so much trouble... The thoughts ran through my head again and again.

At last I had cleared my mind enough to try and answer the crucial question: What was Lazuli doing? I had been panicking for almost half an hour, and Lazuli had barely moved. Maybe I could ask her. I stepped gingerly over to the blue gem. She was curled up, lying on her side in the middle of the room. Her bangs fell over her face and covered her closed eyes, but she just... lay there. I stood for a moment, looking down at the blue gem.

Why am I letting my emotions get ahold of me? I lamented once again. I'm the kind of gem who repeats the same questions over and over until I can answer them; it's how I was trained to think. Why is it that when I look down at Lapi– at LAZULI, I can't help but wonder whether she likes me or not? Why do I... want her to like me? This has never happened to me before... While I was so busy thinking, Lazuli stirred again, facial features tightening, looking small and scared. I pulled out my touchscreen and started to search for data on what she could be doing. Sleeping was the word that came up in response to my search – but before I could research what sleeping was, I was distracted. I detected something touching my leg enhancer.

What the... Lazuli had reached out and wrapped one arm around my gravity connector, and now she was pulling at it, pulling me towards her, mumbling something... Oh, I was just so confused! It wasn't a state of mind I enjoyed; if I didn't know exactly what was going on, my mind found it harder to function. But for some reason, I found that I didn't really want to think about what was going on. I let Lazuli pull me towards her, just the last few centimeters until I was right next to her, and then I just stood there, watching her hug my leg enhancer and mumble quiet words. I couldn't help but hear what the words were.

"Stop... no..." Lazuli muttered. "I don't... aaaah... I don't want to... please don't make me... aaaah..." Her words were punctuated by little sobbing cries. I felt a powerful surge of emotions: pity, sorrow, empathy... I'm getting pulled in by her words, what can I do? Can I really keep fighting this forever? I couldn't help it. The hopelessness of my situation hit me full force and I sank to the ground, still somehow careful not to move the leg Lazuli was clutching. I was seated on the ground, rather like Lazuli had been earlier, legs up against my chest. What can I do? I wondered. This mission will end soon, once we're done checking on the Cluster – though heaven knows what those Crystal Gems will do to try and stop me – but then I'll go home and go back to my old life of inventing and building and torturing, and meanwhile, Lazuli will just be shattered for being a traitor... I felt a shudder go through me. Lazuli was still mumbling. "Ohh, oh, please, no... aah... no... not the dark... not the dark..."

I took a deep breath. Get it together, Peridot. Your existence isn't pointless. You've made so many technological discoveries! You've done so much, and you've completed every task Yellow Diamond set you! It was like arguing with myself; now my other side piped in. Yes, but if you fail, Yellow Diamond won't give a second thought before she orders you shattered and replaced by a new and improved technician. True, but then again, you haven't failed yet... The important thing is to just keep calm and not let emotions bother you! Yellow Diamond's always told you that emotions make you weak. So be strong! Then the dissident side of me dared to put into words what I hadn't dared to think before. Scarcely knowing what I was doing, I spoke out loud:

"What if I choose to... disagree?"

Lazuli stirred slightly and her eyes drifted open, unfocused. They blinked closed again, then popped open all the way and she pushed herself back with a cry of surprise, landing sprawled on her back on the ground. "Oh! Oops, sorry, uh, Peridot! I– uh– uh– sorry, I didn't mean to–"

I could feel my cheeks darken at the realization that I was still huddled on the floor. I picked myself up and composed myself – outwardly, that is. "It's alright, Lazuli." My own words surprised me a little. Did I really just say that her hugging me was alright? I mean, it's true... when she hugged me, even though it was obviously not consciously, it did give me a strange warm feeling... But... Oh, no, can't think like this, think about something else now! "Y–you didn't do it consciously. So I forgive you. Now, can you explain to me what this 'sleep' you were doing is supposed to be? And also, tell me why you were whimpering?" I tried to keep my voice as hard and relentless as ever. I couldn't show this gem I was soft – I didn't dare. She would just take advantage of it. That's what I would have done if I were in her position.

"Uh-um, w-well, sleep is just... just something that humans do, and I do too, just for fun. It's when you close your eyes and just relax until you fall asleep... I fell asleep just now, because regenerating took up a lot of my energy, and since my physical projection is used to sleeping, it automatically took the fastest route to regenerating energy. But you woke me up. As for why I was whimpering–" Lazuli's eyes flickered for a moment – "I was having a... well, a bad dream."

"Dream?"

"You don't know what a dream is? Oh, right, if you don't know about sleep you probably wouldn't know about a dream. A dream is just like a mixed-up projection of thoughts and ideas that get confused in your head and when you're asleep, you can almost live in them... it's like a story, I guess you could say."

Vaguely I wondered why Lazuli was just telling me all of this. Before I could stop myself, my traitorous mouth had gone on to ask exactly that.

"Why am I answering so fully and honestly?" She repeated my question, slightly incredulous. "Why? You don't think it could possibly be because if I don't you might hurt me? Or because I have no choice but to answer?"

"You do have a choice," I replied. "And I–" Was I really about to say, 'I would never hurt you'? No, no, no! "–I would really rather not injure you. It would damage the prospect of the mission."

"The mission, the mission, the mission." Suddenly Lazuli's voice was sad and sarcastic all at once. "That's all you ever think about isn't it? Don't you care? Are you really such a robot as all that?" Her eyes filled with liquid and she gave a sniffling sound. As she kept speaking, her voice had a strange strangled sound to it. "Am I really just–" sniff "–another lame–" sniff "–old and traitorous–" sniff "– prisoner?" And with the last word, her voice cracked, and the liquid in her eyes dripped down her cheeks and off her chin. "Am I really worth nothing?"