Marine Baby

Chapter Five

Taking a hike was good and bad. Good because I got to spend the day with my dad just hanging out like we used to . Bad because it seemed Justin was trying to talk to me or get close to me. Ryan, of course, wouldn't let him but geesh, you think he would get the hint.

We are home now ,thankfully, watching some TV when wouldn't you know it Justin is at the door wanting to hang out. I really dont know what his problem is - he left me! So why the hell is he here hanging around. Maybe he just wants to rub it in, like salt on open wounds. I know him and dad got close after I left, which again I don't understand. 

Looking over at him, I notice he is staring at me. He looks like a lost puppy. I feel horrible. I want to talk to him, but I am terrified. Who wants to hear why they aren't good enough. And let's be honest, he told me what he thought of me that day. 

"Jules can we talk now, please?" Justin whispered. Huh, when did he sit next to me? 

No, I don't want to talk is what I am thinking, but my stupid mouth says yes. What the friggin hell! I follow him out the back door into the evening and sit on the back porch. Apparantly that isn't far enough away because Justin keeps walking towards the woods. Once he is to the edge of the woods, he turns and sits on the ground, leans against the tree, and silently waits for me to come to him. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Justin POV

Sitting against the tree I can't help but be excited. First, she is agreed to talk to me and second, because she is walking to me. I never thought I would be able to be this close to her again. I watch her sit next to me but not to close, I know she isn't done being mad at me. I don''t blame her. I just need her to understand. But how am I going to explain to her what I am, why I pushed her away, that I love her more than myself and need her like I need air. 

"are you going to say something or just stare at me? I will go inside if you do the latter. You are creeping me out." She said with a straight face. Man, I really killed her kindness towards me. 

"I want to say I am sorry" she goes to say something but I hold up my hand to stop her. I need to say it, maybe not all of it but some part of the truth. "I am sorry for the way I ended things with you. I don't think you can understand exactly how much. I am sure you won't understand me completely and I am hoping one day you will know everything, but please know I am sorry. It killed me to walk away from you, to be away from you. I love you so much and to have to leave you was horribly painful." I can't look at her while I say the last part because I don't want her to see the pain I am in but when I lift my head up and see her looking at me in disbelief, I know I made a mistake. She doesn't believe me. How do I fix this?

"Jules, look at me, please. I am sorry for all I have caused you. I didn't mean anything of what I said that day. I loved you then and I  love you now. I understand why you don't believe me, I do. But please give me a chance. Let me prove it to you so I can tell you the whole story. Please." I don't think I have ever apoogized so much in my life but for Jules, my mate, I will do about anything. 

"I am only home for a week or two. I don't know if I want to stay longer than seven days. I don't know if I believe you. I don't know what to say to be honest with you. You crushed me that day. Killed a part of me that I don't think I will ever get back. I trust no one with my heart. Ryan is the only person I have let in in three years and he had to work unbelievably hard for that. I know he will never leave me. I have to rely on him. He is the one who will have my back when we get deployed. But you, I don't think I can ever forgot those words you said to me. I will forgive you but only because I am being deployed again and I don't want you to have that guilt on you or me. If the time comes, if I don't come home alive then at least I won't have guilt for never forgiving you." Jules said to me, never taking her eyes away from mine. I knew she saw all my emotions when she said all of that, even the anger at the thought of her not coming home alive. I know she has to think that way, but to not have her here, breathing, kills me. 

"Please never say you aren't coming home again. That is not an option for me. I know you don't understand it, but please don't say that.  Nevermind, I wanted to see if maybe we could spend some time together. Just you and me, maybe catch up?" I am practicly begging here. I know how pathetic I sound right now, I just can't help it. My mate is here next to me and I can't touch her. This is literally killing me. 

"I have Ryan here with me and it would not be very nice of me if I left him by himself to hang out with you.... but I will talk to him. I will not be something that is all the time, maybe just once to catch up or something."  I smiled at her. That was the best news I have had in three years! 

"Thanks. We better get back in before he comes looking for you. He is very protective of you." I comment. I don't mean it in a bad way. I am glad she has had someone like that to take care of her, especially because I wasn't. 

"Yeah. He goes all crazy if he doesn't know where I am. I am sure he has already checked the back door to make sure I was in seeing distance." She stated laughing. "He gets all guard dog, big brother on me sometimes. He just cares about my safety, that's all."

"i know" I reached out a hand to help her up and suprisingly she took it. I felt those sparks again. I loved that feeling. She felt it to and blushed as she took her hand away. I know she doesn't know why it happens, I just hope one of these days she will let me tell her the whole story. I don't want to lie to her anymore. I just want her. But I know hoe difficult that is going to be, especially with her being a Marine now and going away again. 

What I wouldn't do to change what I did three years ago.