Marine Baby

Chapter Eleven

Although, I would like to think that I had a dreamless sleep that was not the case. I kept playing different scenarios in my head. Between me telling Justin I was leaving and he was staying here to Ryan and I going on seperate missions. To me being alone with no one. Not in one of those dreams did I come out happy and in love. I was always scared and vulnerable. I don't want to be that person ever again. Once in a lifetime is enough. 

I laid in Ryan's bed by myself. I don't know where he went but I know it was still early enough for dad not to be up. I got up and walked to my room. I threw on my running clothes and sneakers. I walked to the door, grabbing my iPod off the front table and plugging the earbuds in my ears and I was out the door and begining my hour run.

Running was calming to me. It kept me in shape, but it gave me peace and quiet and when you have chaos in your head. Sometimes you just need that peace. I thought about what I was going to say to Justin. 

I have this feeling, deep down in the pit of my stomach. Something is going to happen. Something big. I just wish I knew what it was. 

I came up to my dad's house and Ryan was sitting on the steps waiting for me. He looked up and I saw those lips curve into a smile that could light up the sky. I could see the relief and love in his eyes as I got closer to him. This man is my life. He has been for the past three years. I just hope that everything works out for me amd him. I hope that I can stay this blissfully happy. 

Walking up to Ryan I grabbed the back of his neck to bring his lips to my level. I gave him a hard quick kiss, than made a mad dash for the front door. I ran up the stairs and into my bathroom. I locked the door because I knew Ryan was right behind me and I still wanted a few minutes by myself or maybe I wanted him to suffer a little. Sometimes, I am a wicked little thing. 

I got out of the shower, got dressed in jeans, tshirt and the first sandals I could find. I want comfort today. I figure I will be uncomfortable enough, I should at least dress relaxed. I walked down stairs to Ryan and Justin on the couch. They weren't talking just watching TV. 

"Hi guys." 

"Hey Jules" they replied at the same time. 

"Justin, can we talk for a few minutes."

"Sure Jules. Want to go for a walk?" One glance at Ryan and I knew that was not happening. Ryan wanted me close. I could feel that. He didn't say a word just sat there staring at me. I knew his looks and what was in his head. 

"No. How about we go to the kitchen. I haven't eaten yet. I can make breakfast or at least coffee."

"Sounds good. I am always hungry." Justin stated following me into the kitchen. 

I started the coffee and let out a deep breath. "Alright Justin. Let's just get this over with. I am leaving tomorrow. I have to be back early for a mission." I said turning around to face him. I leaned against the counter waiting for Justin to say something. 

"What kind of mission?" He asked. 

"I honestly don't know. I only know when I have to be back and the date I am scheuled to leave for training in Californina. Then from training, I go to wherever it is I am suppose to go. They dont tell us. Its a need to know thing and I don't need to know. I just follow orders."

He looked at me and I watched all these emotions cross his face... angry, sad, scared. Scared definintely stuck around longer. It was the emotion he had left on his face for me to see. 

"Why did you choose this life, Jules? Why the Marines?" 

This questions was easy. I could answer this one. "I joined because I was lost. I was scared and I was weak. I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to start over. No, I needed a fresh start. I needed to become brave and strong. I needed to be pushed to be my best. I needed the Marines. I had something to prove to myself. I had to prove to myself that I could live without you. Because when you left me. When you broke my heart I couldn't even fathom that I could live without you." 

His face broke my heart. He was so sad. He was angry with himself. I saw that but I it was the past and the past is just that. I needed to look at the future  and the present. 

"Justin, I know that you did what you thought was best back then. I have forgiven you. You should forgive yourself too. Its in the past. The marines made me a better version of me and I am happy."

"I will never forgive myself because it has cost me you. I know I am not the one you chose. I know you choose Ryan. I am not happy about it, but I understand. You can never trust me again. You can never be with me again." He looked at the counter tracing the granite counter tops with his finger. I walked over to him and gave him a hug. He needed it and I think I did too. 

"I love you. I think you will always have a part of my heart. But my life is with Ryan. My life is in North Carolina not here. Please understand."

"I do, Jules. I understand everything. I just want you happy. You will tell me if he messes up right? I would love to beat the crap out of him." Pulling away I laughed at him. He really doesn't understand what we learn. Ryan could kill him in human form. I've never seen hihs wolf but I know his human is deadly. I couldn't imagine his wolf. 

"Aright lets have some coffee then go watch movies or something. I have one more day of freedom before I become a marine again."