Obsession

Chapter 17 - Home

A leap of faith is called for

under George's power no more

the past I show the door

When Molly is finished her business we both retire to our new room. Rosa is dead to the world, all the fresh air and excitement has done her in, she's knackered. That poor little girl has broken wings but I think our new friends and I can make her fly again. Distracted with a smile by the sight of Molly going straight to her box and doing her usual dance to get comfortable, a routine that never changes no matter what bed you present her with, her reaction is always the same.

I lay down on my bed, exhausted but unwilling to fall sleep as yet because right now my reality is better than anything I could dream. Isn't it amazing how one spark of hope can light the world full of despair? I never knew how toxic our situation was until we got out of it. Now I long for a beginning of a new life for Rosa more than words can tell and pray she never again meets another George. I will try not to let old hurts trespass our present, colouring the palette we paint. If we are not careful, our history can become our now without us even knowing.

The breeze from the open window caresses me tickling my hair and it's lulling me slowly to slumber, bliss. My brain shakes it off, too much thinking to do, as yet. I muse that there's a huge chasm between living and existing, for a long time Rosa and I existed. What are we going to do with ourselves, now we can live? Art museums, operas, concerts, theatre all places I'll know she'll love, and thanks to her parents, I have the means and the time. The possibilities seem endless now that I have changed her environment she can finally blossom like her Mum wanted.

Tomorrow I am going to tell Henry and Susan everything, the whole sorry truth, it is the least they deserve. It may also help me and Rosa break free and no longer be prisoners of our past. I have an inkling they will not let me pay for our lodgings, although that may change when they know I am now a woman of some wealth, a fact I don't think I'll ever get used to.

My new friends appear to be wonderful. If they live up to first impressions, they will be getting a nice little lump out of the trust fund. Or perhaps it would better to give them the land where Thorndale had stood.

I could never live there again just because its outer physical casing burnt to the ground doesn't mean its previous owners have left. Sonya and George will always be a part of Thorndale for me and I have no wish to live with either of them again. Over time I hope I can find it in me to forgive George but I'm not there yet. It's a chain that keeps me tethered to him. I need to figure out how to or I will never be able to move on, start afresh. It would also hold too many memories for Rosa. I'll have to come up with a reason I'm sure a solicitor will help me with that. I could buy this farm from them and build a fabulous house for them on the land if they so wish. If they or Rosa and I ever get into financial difficulties we can sell of parts of Thorndale land, I couldn't even hazard a guess as to the size of it but know there's ample if such a need arose. Their presence there might slay the demons for me and Rosa and we could put old ghosts and memories to rest.

So many decisions and choices a whole new existence is now open to me. I know of many who if they came into good fortune would pack their bags and move far away from Ireland in a flash, probably to sunnier climes, but wherever they go, don't they take themselves? Its okay for some to run, and burn every bridge you can come across, but I want to learn to stand in the ashes. I have no need to go elsewhere I just want security, somewhere we all feel safe and I happen to love our rugged landscape and can't wait to start exploring it. I think I've found where I'm going to end my days.

I know this family is going to prove to me that there are good people in this world and we're going to make it. I was homesick for a place I didn't know existed, where my heart is sated and my needs met. I also now know that a home is not a house it's an emotion and souls are not heard but experienced and shared. Hugging myself I finally drift of dreaming of endings and beginnings.

I wake up to the sound of Rosa humming, she somehow has discovered blankets and pillows which I must not have noticed on the first inspection and has formed a circle around me, her and Molly. She is creating a barricade to keep everyone out, oh dear. Rosa is as yet not ready for any of us to break free. An enclosed space is still what she calls home. I am going to have to help her let people in, Susan is where I'll start, she's such a warm person. Rosa will not be able to freeze her out forever.

With hope tinged with a heavy dose of trepidation, I face the day.

A house is a place you keep stuff

it becomes a home when you fill it with love.

I'm home.

THE END