"What About..." (MJ Fantasy)

How Does It Feel?

I stare into his chocolate eyes, they are glowing in the moonlight. His hands are warming my whole body, making me feel more and more normal.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper, gazing at him like he is some kind of painting.

"I got a call from your grandparents. After they scolded me, they told me that you were having hallucinations about me?" He asks, wondering if that is true.

"I dont see how that is any of your business." I say, rolling my eyes.

He chuckles. "Because they are about me. That's why its my business. Dont feel ashamed. Ive been hallucinating about you as well. Mine probably werent as ... PG as yours though." He says, biting his lip.

I look at him, surprised. "You have hallucinations?" I ask, watching the wind blow his curls over his eyes.

"This isnt my first go-round with depression, but it is the first time Ive hallucinated. Your doctor believes that us coming into contact will solve those hallucination problems. Hopefully it does." He explains.

I bite down on my lip, feeling the tension grow between us. His lips are quivering as we are having an impromptu staring contest. My stomach flutters as he places his free hand on my cheek.

"Why did you cheat on me with Rhonda?" I ask suddenly, the question lingering in my mind since the day I found them together.

He drops his hand slowly.

"I mean, what did she have that I didnt? I was submissive and I thought I was pretty good at sex and I tried keeping myself looking alright for you. I mean, why her? Why two months?" I ask, feeling much better after getting it out.

"Darling, I was not with Rhonda for two months. That was a lie that your lawyers made up in order to vilify me. What you saw when you walked in on us was the first and only time anything like that ever happened." He says, looking me in my eyes so I know he isnt lying.

I look down, his hand still on top of mine on the bench.

"But... why did it happen? Why did that one time have to happen? What was so wrong with us?" I ask, my bottom lip quivering with every word I spoke to him.

"Sweetheart..." He says, trying to find the words to explain to me so I wont feel as bad as I do. "I'm so sorry. I am truly sorry. I never intended to hurt you the way I did. I didn't fight Rhonda off the way I should have, and I am flawed in that way. Something must be terribly wrong with me for me to ruin my relationship with you." He says, rubbing my hand with his thumb.

"It wasnt a relationship. It was a dictatorship." I whisper, looking down.

"I just, I thought that if I didnt have complete control of everything that you would abandon me. Or that you would use me. Im so used to being used and abused by women I dont know how to act when I get a really good one, which is why i treated you that way. I was foolish to believe that you would ever do anything to hurt me." He says, looking into my eyes.

He reaches his hand up to touch my cheek, but I pull my face away, lowering my eyebrows at him.

"Is that why you hit me? Because you were trying to protect yourself?" I ask.

He drops his hand and looks down, at a loss for words for once.

"What, you thought that you slapping me would prevent me from going and fucking the neighbors? You must have thought so low of me." I say, pulling my blanket over me.

"Esmeralda, I never wanted to hurt you. I am sorry for putting my hands on you, I should have never done that. I was in the heat of the moment and I was seeing red. That's not an excuse, but I just wasnt thinking." He explains, still not looking me in the eye.