"What About..." (MJ Fantasy)

Lessons Learned

I put my hair behind my ear and adjust my microphone on my shirt while the camera crew gets everything set up. I look stage right and see Ryan giving me the thumbs up. I smile and nod at him. Barbara Walters comes and sits across from me, fixing her suit.

"Are you ready for this honey? I know you've been going through a tough time, so I dont want to make it harder on you." She says, looking concerned.

I nod. "I'm fine. Really. I haven't felt more like myself in a while." I say.

"Alright. Are we live?" She asks her director.

"Live in 5... 4... 3... 2...." he points to her.

"Welcome back. Joining me now is Esmeralda Anderson. Thank you for coming and talking to me." Barbara says to me, smiling.

I smile back at her. "Thank you for having me." I say.

"So, Im just gonna jump right in here and forgive me if I am frank, but I want to know, what happened to you? We heard you were suicidal and depressed and just plain going crazy. What was happening? Was this all because of the divorce?" She asks.

I laugh. Probably the first time I have laughed about my problems in a while.

"I was recently diagnosed with depression and I am on medication for that. I went through a period of time where I was hallucinating and sleeping all of the time, I was losing weight, I was just suffering. Since that period, I have been much better. I am eating, Im not sleeping my days away, and the hallucinations have stopped. I have my moments where I just get stuck in this depressed mood, but my symptoms have decreased drastically. The group helps a lot." I say, clasping my hands together.

"Im sorry about the depression, but I am glad you are doing better. You became a recluse after the success of your debut film and we were worried that you were gonna fall into that downward spiral that a lot of famous people get caught in. Glad to see you in one piece." She says.

"Well, thank you." I say, smiling.

"So, you didnt completely answer my question. Was all of that because of the divorce?" She asks again.

I take a deep breath and look at the ceiling. "No. It was like a mixture of many things. The fame, the paparazzi, the pressure of a follow up film, the divorce, and my own personal troubles caused this. I didnt realize I had so much to work on, on my own. I shouldnt have gotten married at all. Now, Im not saying I shouldnt have gotten married to him. I know how words can get construed around here. I didnt know who I was, I had things that I didnt sort out with myself before I took on that responsibility, and I just wasnt ready. I thought I was independent and sure of myself, but I realized that I wasnt and marriages dont work when the two involved try to complete each other. You have to be complete before getting together or it will crash and burn. So I am not playing the blame game here. We both made mistakes and we've hashed that out, I think." I explain.

"Do you forgive him? We've heard the rumors about what really happened and we heard about cheating and whatnot. But, do you forgive him?" She asks, leaning closer to me.

I bite my lip and look down. "You know, I never really understood the importance of forgiveness until I withheld it from him. I used to give away forgiveness like it was my duty, but when I actually said, no this isnt something you cant come back from, I realized why I needed to do it. Forgiving someone is a way for you to carry on with your life. While it may upset the person you are choosing not to forgive, it means you are holding a grudge against that person. it's like a parasite. It grows until you are filled with hate. Forgiving doesnt mean that you are accepting them back into your life or that they are getting a second chance, like I used to think. Forgiving just means that you accept what they did, and let them know that you arent angry anymore. That what they did doesnt keep you up at night and they dont have to feel guilty for hurting you. It will still hurt to think about it, but forgiveness doesnt take away the pain of memories, it turns it into a lesson learned. Now that I have had time to grow and become myself, I can honestly say that I do forgive him. For everything. I hold no ill feelings towards him." I say, looking at her.