"What About..." (MJ Fantasy)

Promise (Finale)

My hand is cramping as I am trying to hold it up in Michael's hand. All eyes are fixated on me and I stare at Michael, every second feeling like an hour, the weight of this decision crushing my lungs. I can't bear to look at anyone else but Michael, but every passing moment his face drops more, revealing layers of hurt and self-doubt. I pull my hand away, looking down.

"No." I whisper, locking eyes with him.

His eyes widen fractionally and he stands up. I finally look at Brooke, who gives me a head nod. I shake my head, looking into Michael's eyes.

"I... the last time I did this I made a quick decision and I want to be sure that I am making the right decision this time. I understand how proposals work, but I feel too pressured right now and I just need time to think about it." I answer, keeping my gaze on Michael.

He nods slowly. "Okay."

"I will tell you tomorrow. At the shower." I reply, turning in my chair and going back to my meal.

He sits in his chair, staring at his plate. Everyone is silent for a few minutes, clearly shocked I didn't say yes on the spot. Not this time. I mean, I'm not even willing to give up my house, that I spent six months renovating, to move back in with him. I haven't had time to really think about it, I thought... I was hoping that I could just ride out this fantasy, this relationship that we have created, but I guess I have to make a choice now.

They begin to go back to eating their dinner, the dessert tray coming around soon after. I take a large piece of the chocolate cake off the platter and a fudge sundae, taking a big bite out of the cake. I close my eyes, relishing in the smooth taste. Everyone else goes back to their own conversations, finally allowing me to take a breath and relax. Michael looks like he wants to say something to me, but every time he opens his mouth to say something he just drops his head. I expect him to be confused, regretful, embarrassed, even hurt from my reaction. I don't want to talk about it until I have my decision, I know it will hurt him even more for me to say I don't know.

The anniversary party dissipates, leaving Michael, Janet and I at the table alone. Janet takes the napkin from out of her lap, placing it on the table.

"I'm gonna head back to the hotel and I will see you two tomorrow." She says, standing up.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask her before she leaves. She grabs her purse, looking at me from across the table. "It seems like you helped him with all of this, I just thought you might be mad." I say, looking at her for an answer.

She rubs her arm. "I'm not mad Esme. This is your decision. I will still love you if you say no." She says, smiling lightly.

I nod as she walks out of the restaurant. Michael helps me up as we get into the car, driving to my house. He helps me out of the car and to my door. I place my hand on my belly and stare at the doorknob.

"You can sleep at Neverland tonight." He whispers, trying to catch my eyes.

"I'd rather be alone." I reply, grabbing the doorknob.

I open the door and when I believe Michael is about to stop me, he just helps me into the house. I place my hand on my lower back, turning to look at him.

"Goodnight." I say, my hand on the doorknob.

"Goodnight darling." He replies, kissing me gently on my cheek before turning on his heels and walking to his car.

I shut the door, locking it behind me. I stare at the ground, leaning against the door frame. I feel like I upset a lot of people in the span of... two seconds, with one word. One word of rejection. But I refuse to make the same mistake. All of this feels so wrong. I've seen movies, I've witnessed proposals, it's supposed to be automatic, right? You're just supposed to know. You should know right on the spot if you want to be with that person and make that commitment with them, there should be no guessing. You do or you don't. Well, I don't know if I do or don't. And all of this questioning has nothing to do with our flop of a marriage. The man I am considering marrying is a different person and I didn't know at that moment whether I wanted to have that commitment with him and I still don't know. So, it's complicated and really annoying because I want it to be easy. I want it to be as simple as a 'yes' or a 'no', but it's not. I'm carrying his baby and I know I will have to spend at least eighteen years of life with him, but I still don't know. I am enjoying being in a normal relationship with him, but I still don't know.