Harmless Things (Jean Hobbs AU)

Part fourteen

Dean P.O.V.

When I woke up, it took me more than a few moments to remember that 

1) I was not in my own house and 

2) I was tucked up in Jack's arms. 

What I didn't have to think about, was that wherever I was, I felt safe, like I belonged there. I moved closer to Jack since sleep had caused me to shuffle away from him a little during the night, and I tightened my hold on him when my face was pressed against his chest again. 

I felt embarrassed when I remembered why we were positioned like this in the first place, but a block of pressure had been taken off my shoulders and it was like I could breathe easier now I wasn't just carrying it all on my own. Guilt danced in me when I remembered that Jack had to deal with a crying friend, but he almost looked relieved when I told him what was wrong. I knew I had been hiding a lot from him, but he didn't seem to mind now I had told him what had been playing on my mind. 

I guess in some ways I didn't feel much hate for my breakdown, after all, I got to hear the words "I'll look after you" for the first time. Since I had always been the adult out of my family, it was very rare that I took the more vulnerable role, and I was usually always mentally and physically exhausted. The only times I remember accepting taking the child place was when I had taken particularly bad beatings from the man I hated to call my father and my mother cleaned the wounds he left behind. I'm not sure why I've never bothered to learn first aid skills, but maybe it was because it was one of the few things I depended on my mother for. 

She always cried when she helped me, repeatedly saying 'I'm sorry' and that he'd 'never do it again' and that he'd be 'out by the morning', but she always lied and it made me sick to the stomach to remember the mornings after when she'd play happy families, laughing and kissing her husband and they'd both smile up at me when I entered the room like nothing happened the night before. Sometimes I thought I was going mad and made the whole thing up, but checking the bruises and scars in the bathroom before going to school reminded me that it was real and I was living in a sick routine.

To the day I could still hear Daniel's piercing screams when I was getting attacked and I could still feel Scarlett's nails scratching against my skin when she clung onto me tightly and cried into my shoulder, both scared for her life and mine. I partly couldn't forgive my mother not because of what she put me through, but how much she made Daniel and Scarlett suffer when they didn't need to. 

I began to wonder if I would ever build up enough trust and courage with Jack to tell him about my past, but I wasn't sure if I would regret it if I did. I had never told anyone before, and the majority of that was because there was no one to tell, but not only that, I was scared to talk about it. It had become a part of me, something I would never be able to let go of because it built up so many walls, created so many problems and left me with scars that I shamefully hid under clothes. It made me who I am, it didn't define me, but it shaped how I acted, what I said and how I thought, and I didn't want anyone to mock me about it or use it against me, or even worse, try and take it away from me. 

I squirmed into Jack again as the last words my father told me began to scream at me again, making me feel even worse for last night. I looked up at Jack and smiled, his hair a mess as he slept peacefully, not a care in the world. I tried to listen to his heartbeat hoping to drown out the voice, and began to think about how lucky I was to be this close to the boy I was in love with and that he didn't have a problem with it. 

I knew it was creepy to watch people sleep so I closed my eyes without the intention of going back to sleep so I could enjoy the moment while it lasted. Even though I adored my siblings, it wouldn't be long until I was thrown back into the adult world, so it was nice to have a break from them and feel more like a fourteen year old instead of a twenty four year old for a while.