Harmless Things (Jean Hobbs AU)

Part twenty

Dean P.O.V.

One month later.

When I was 100% sure I was completely alone in the men's hospital toilets, I stopped pretending I was washing my hands like I had done for the past 10 minutes and lifted up my shirt, wincing when I accidentally touched a forming bruise. The mirror I was stood opposite revealed my stomach was covered in patches of black and blue with little splashes of green, each discoloured mark able to tell a story of each time I crossed paths with Jack and his friends.

I was used to it all now. I was used to the words. I was used to the feeling of claustrophobia. I was used to the humiliation. I was used to the stares of onlookers. And now I was so used to the pain, I had learned how to 'switch off' during the confrontations so the beatings didn't hurt so much later on.

Jack had never taken part of any of the meetings and instead just watched the turmoil standing some feet away giving off an awkward vibe with a poker face but with a sorry look in his eyes. I hadn't looked into those green pools for a while, I had learnt the hard way that it made things much, much worse. I was lucky to even catch a glance at him nowadays whereas before I could lean against him, interlocking our hands and flushing when I looked up to meet his gaze when I could feel Jack looking at me.

I came to the conclusion that it was for the best, seeing him just made my heart hurt, so, selfishly, I avoided looking at him for my own sake, and maybe for his too so he didn't have to witness the pathetic Dean Dobbs that I had become.

The only thing I hated most was that I was still in love with Jack to the point where I felt sick and I missed him so much that everything just ached at the mere thought of him; but my mind wouldn't let me rest and instead kept me up at nights where it would replay the memories that once made me so happy but now did anything but, causing my heart to shatter all over again and making me run into the nearest bathroom to keep my tears away from my family's eyes and my sobs from their ears.

"Dean?" I turned at the sound of the tiny voice that belonged to my brother. 

"Yeah?" 

"You've been in here ages." 

"I know, there was a queue," I moved to the hand dryer and remembered when Jack once said that Dyson hand dryers had changed the industry, and now the normal ones were pathetic and that you may as well hire an old man coughing. I went to laugh but bit my lip to stop me from doing so, reminding myself that I had to begin to forget the memories, no matter how much I didn't want to let them go. 

"Can you come and see Scarlett? I think she's about to cry but I don't know what to say to her." 

"Sure, sure," I brushed my hands against my jeans to finish drying my hands that the job of the hand dryer couldn’t complete and guided Dan back to Scarlett's own private side room. "Where's Mum?" 

"In the waiting room." 

"Stay with her and don't come in until I say," Dan nodded, looking slightly relieved that he didn't have to deal with it. 

"I'm sorry." 

"You don't need to be," I wrapped my arms around his smaller frame. "It's going to be okay." 

"Can you promise me that?" 

"I don't think I can, I'm sorry," as much as I wanted to lie and tell him everything was going to be perfectly fine and we could all go back to normal at some point, I knew I couldn't. I just couldn't work out what was going to happen at the end. One day Scarlett would be improving and then she would hardly be able to string sentences together the next. Whenever something happened it seemed to be one step forward and two steps back. 

"It's fine," Daniel pulled away from me giving me a small smile and then walked in the direction of where our mother was.

I went into Scarlett's room, trying to look positive when she lazily turned her head over to me. She didn't have a lot of energy anymore, in the past month she had been through three operations to relieve the pressure that had been building up in her head and now had two tubes called shunts to drain the fluid. She was now on a lot of medication too: antibiotics, steroids to reduce and control swelling, anti-seizure and morphine. 

She was tired all the time, the drugs making her drowsy and from there took away the lively, happy Scarlett I had always known. She did what was expected of her by saying when she was in pain and answering the doctor’s questions, taking the medicine without question in hope that it would just make her better, but not really living. She would spend her days looking at the imperfections in the walls, trying to act normal and talk to Dan and Mum as much as she could when they were in the room but falling back silent, exhausted when they left, relying on me to respect the peace that was between us and to keep it that way.

Leaving her to go back home was always the worst part, she would say her goodbyes and smile like it didn’t bother her, but I could see through her act that she didn’t want us to go, and I’d always feel guilty, because I was her brother and I was supposed to look after her, but I didn’t even do that.

"Where did you go?" She asked me, voice breaking half way through the question.

"Just to the toilet." 

"Oh," Scarlett looked back to the ceiling and I sat in the chair next to her bed. 

"How are you feeling today?" 

"I'm okay," she shrugged. 

"But how are you really feeling? You can tell me, it's just us." 

"I'm okay," she repeated then looked at me. "Can I have a hug?" 

"Of course," I watched her as she pushed herself up to a sitting up position then I helped her, scared she was going to snap if she carried on trying to put all her weight on her arms. 

"No, I want one when I'm standing up, I want a full hug. Your hugs are the best." 

"Well you're the princess here," she beamed up at me when I said that and despite the situation I couldn’t help but smile back, seeing her genuinely happy was a rare sight nowadays. I picked her up and carefully and slowly placed her on her feet, and then I went down on my knees so I was closer to her level and opened my arms where she placed herself in my embrace. 

We hadn't really hugged like this for a while and it scared me how thin she was, her lack of appetite had contributed to her sudden weight loss making her feel more fragile than she was before. Dan was now even more terrified of touching her than he used to be, only resorting to stroking her hand if he had too. 

"You don't need to be brave around me Scar," I murmured as I felt her tense when I held her. She started crying then, all her fear and other emotions she had kept locked up inside her with a weak smile were released through long-awaited tears, showing me she didn't feel strong enough anymore. 

A/N: I don't know man, I like this part.

I'm back from holiday! This part doesn't feel finished but I ran out of ideas and I figured you'd just be happy if I just updated, I'll 'finish' it when I get some inspiration! I should be back to updating reguarly now because even though I've started Refound Love (YTSTMB sequel) this is still my main focus. 

I also have another Jean one-shot coming soon! 

One more thing: Harmless Things is no way near finished but do you guys want me to do like an 'explanation' thing like I did for YTSTMB when it's over? It's just so I can get an idea and start jotting things down!