Undead

3; late night confessions

I kept all the lights in the apartment off and trudged through the living room to my bedroom. I locked the front door behind me and kicked off my shoes, padding my way to the balcony that was on the other side of the bedroom, and pushed the door open so the sounds of the city could soothe me. The rooms were quiet, confirming that I was alone and Akila wasn't here.

My clothes came off, except my boxer briefs, and I left them in a heap near the foot of the bed. I peeled back the blankets and slid in, stuffing my face into my pillow. I didn't want to see anything and I didn't want to think about a damn thing. I wanted sleep. A nice, fulfilling night of rest.

Was that gonna happen? Hell no.

Frustrated, I threw the comforter off me and trudged to the bathroom. Maybe a shower would help. But who was I kidding? I was a lost cause.

The gentle stream of scalding water had me grinning bitterly. It felt good, yes, but any other person would cower away from the temperature. But I welcomed it, I thrived off of the numbness that overtook my skin, painting it a bright pink color, shading in my drawings on my arms and chest.

I didn't touch the gauge for the temp. I left it where it was and succumbed to the burn, letting it run through my hair and down my back. I shivered, hissing out then exhaling a satisfied breath. The sensation was indescribable, and sometimes I would take a shower just because. Despite already being clean. The shower was my place to think - or not think at all.

I kept it short and rinsed off, and I battled with the decision to actually end my small dose of heaven so quickly. If only to keep my water bill on the lower side, I wrapped a soft white towel around my waist and stepped out. My shower was no longer than ten minutes, and yet the mirror was clouded with steam.

I used my palm to streak through it to get a glance at my reflection and I regretted it the second I locked eyes with myself.

To put it simply, I was tired. Exhausted. Run down. However you wanted to word it. Overwhelmed with a sense of being followed, my confrontation with my girlfriend, everything was too much for me to handle. Yes my medication helped, but the side effects were a pain in the ass: thoughts of suicide. As if I really needed anymore help, am I right? My eyes were blank and bloodshot, and it was almost as if my pupils swallowed my irises whole, replacing them with black holes that led to nothing.

I pulled back the mirror to reveal our medicine cabinet and searched through my multiple pill bottles for anything to help me sleep. Akila's medicine took up the top shelf because she only needed Midal on occasion, while I practically had a whole fucking pharmacy to my name. Other than that, there was a tube of Neosporin and a small mason jar filled with cotton balls for Akila and her makeup.

I popped the cap off of my sleeping pills and dumped one out into my palm. Twelve left.

It was easy to swallow, and I washed it down with a palm full of water.

With a fresh pair of boxers, I climbed back into bed and turned towards the balcony. The sun was set and the sky was a purple color with a light dusting of stars over the horizon.

The pill began to tug at my system, begging me to let go just a little so it could lull me to sleep, and I was to exhausted to fight it.

/\/\/\

I didn't know how long I'd been asleep or what time it was, but the room was even darker than before. The sounds of the city still called out to me, but I didn't dare get out of bed just in case I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.

The tiniest sound of footsteps caught my attention and the door slipped open. She was only a shadow, creeping along the floor in her bare feet to seem silent. Through tiny slits in my eyes, I watched her every move as she dropped her shoes in the corner of the room and pulled her shirt over her head.