Osiris
I missed sitting out in the sun, running around with my older brother like we didn't have any common sense. We were up by nine in the morning, and wrecked havoc until the street lights came on. This was before my mentality took a tumble, and god I missed the innocence. We were literally two kids without a care in the world except looking out for each other. There was no bad blood between us, and I missed those times more and more everyday. It was me and him against the world. I liked it better back then.
I missed her. Of course I did. I can't just not miss someone I practically grew up with. With as much history as we had with each other, I refused to let my feelings just disintegrate like that. I fed on those emotions; they kept me going, in an odd way. I didn't know whether I held on like I did because I still had hope that we could go back to what used to be, or because I was so used to those feelings that I would be afraid if one day I didn't feel them. Either way, they were my security blanket and I didn't plan on letting go any time soon - despite the foul shit she pulled. Why? Because she had always been in my corner; I always felt safe and protected with her. After all, she was a lifesaver in every sense of the word.
Problem is...she didn't love me anymore. She didn't say it, and she didn't have to. I felt it deep within my bones that everything she once felt for me was completely over. Why was it so easy for her to move on and leave me in the dust? Because I cheated? I wish I hadn't. If it meant it would shatter her, I would take it back a million times. But there's no time machines and I was far from being a magician.
Akila and I never had sex, but I always pictured how her body would look on top of me. The faces she could make when I pleased her body right. Of course I didn't necessarily know how to please her, or anyone, the right way. Even when I slept with Seiko, I blacked out so bad that I don't remember a second of what happened. I barely even remember getting back to the apartment that night with her, but I was nude when I woke up and she was nowhere to be found. It's not something I like thinking about.
My dreams were of her and I both hated and loved it. The only solution I could think of was to move out of the apartment and find some place else to live; Ra could keep the place to himself if he liked and he could run the club by himself - it no longer interested me. Not like we would be able to see eye to eye on anything anyway. If I wanted to finally move on, I would have to cut ties with everyone - it seemed like the only way.
Ryan was with her grandparents and things went well. They were absolutely enamored with her and I felt good about the decision. I was proud of myself because this was the one thing I had done right. I finally broke the chain of fuck ups. This was an accomplishment and I felt on top of the world and I planned on keeping it that way.
Only my luck had run out - again.
"You stupid son of a bitch!" was the only thing that was shouted when I let myself into the apartment. With a flash of movement so fast that my head spun, I was thrown into the coffee table, the glass shattering on impact; I felt glass shards puncture my flesh and I groaned out loud. I rolled over on my side to get my bearings, but was once again lifted into the air and tossed into the plasma screen TV. My eyes blacked out for a second before I forced them open to see who it was that was attacking me. Ra. "I'm gonna kill you!"
"Ra..."
I was completely healed, but for some reason my reflexes weren't all the way back to normal. He caught on, of course, and lunged towards me, subduing me with his knees and gripping my throat. There were angry, hateful tears in his eyes. "You are nothing but a fuck up. Why I ever agreed to meet with you before we both died, I don't fuckin' know. I was right about you all along."
The metal of his gun pressed into my jugular and he took the safety off, and I did everything in my power to control my breathing. "Ra, I -"
"Shut up!" His jaw was tight, nostrils flaring with fury. I really feared for my life. "She's dead because of you!"
