Milk and Cigarettes

Chapter 13

I felt my words get caught in my throat like some sort of struggling worm on a wire, I tried to respond but all I managed to do was awkwardly giggle and turn away, sipping my coffee.

Leo broke the silence and I immediately regretted not pushing through my nervousness. I remember being so afraid that he thought I didn't have any interest in him. "Well, anyways! I uh- don't really have a clue where we're going." His mouth formed into this uneasy tightness and he dazed off. My heart was crumbling at the sight of him. It crumbled as he looked as though he were a disappointment, as though he had let my 'running away thrill' die. It crumbled as the sound of his voice gave off a ring that many people had made him feel like a disappointment, like someone that was something rotten in disguise. My heart crumbled at the sight of him next to me, twisted in thought, and me not letting go of that caught worm in my throat. His last words echoed in my head, repeated as if they were the only words I knew in English. I kept Leo's voice locked in my mind as I shivered through anxiousness, something completely new to me. I thought of myself with Roger- cool, easy-going, silly. Why couldn't I just relax and say what I wanted to Leo? Say what I needed. 'I uh- don't really have a clue where we're going.'

"I don't really care where we're going. I came along to leave town, to leave everyone and everything I knew. But that's not the only reason. I came because it's you I was leaving with." My words suddenly gushed out, as though I was being possessed by my soul that couldn't take my cowardliness any longer. "This all sounds so random and out of the blue, I know. I just feel so free with you but when it comes to actually telling you that, how I feel, it gets hard. I don't know why." I took a deep breath and watched outside the window, as it was too hard to see what expression his face revealed. "I guess because I don't really know how you feel, and I've never actually- cared for anyone, like I do for you. It's all so nerve wrecking, laying my feelings out here on the table, I don't even know if I'm doing it ri-"

Leo stopped me. "Wendy."

"I'm sor-" He stopped me again.

"Wendy, Wendy. Listen." I breathed out and looked over at him as he leaned in towards me. "I have met a lot of people in my life. I mean, I've come across so many kinds of people, good bad, rich, poor, sad, happy." I remembered back when he mentioned he lived in New York City. "There's a lot of opportunities I've had to come across someone truly amazing. And-" He licked his lips and looked out the window. My heart sped and I wondered if there was I record for the fastest beating heart in history. "I've- I've never met anyone like you. And, I thought I had met some pretty great people in my life before, but, no." Leo shook his head, his lips in a frown, and looked down. "Nah. But when I came to Spokane, I was like 'Fuckin' hell, well this place is a shit hole.'" I laughed and he looked up at me and smiled at my reaction. He reached for my hand, which resided on my leg, and held it in his. "I found out about the wrestling matches and decided to go, figured that'd be the most exciting thing I could find around here. And then I got my ass kicked, and she took her helmet off and I thought to myself, 'Fuck. This is the girl. This is going to be the one," Leo's voice cracked and everything in me stood still all of the sudden. I could've sworn my blood quit flowing for a moment, too. "'The one that breaks my heart.'"