Dear Diary,

Harbored Feelings, Confrontations & the Unknowns

Nov 11, 2015

Saturday

Dear Diary,

I admit, I harbor a lot of feelings. And I like to pretend that I'm over a lot of said "feelings" but I've gotten really good at pretending over the years. I like to say I've mastered the art of unaffected passiveness and it's the one thing I'll congratulate myself on.

Isn't it so weird that I'll long to see someone so much, with and ache in my soul, but hate confrontation at the same time? I'll be muttering things like: "ugh, why" "oh god" and "no please" when I see them approaching, but some other part of me is begging, hoping, wondering what they're doing this very moment. What they think of me and what they love and hate and their hopes and dreams and who they are. It's all in the mystery of them.

Right now I've conjured up an idea of who they are in my head (some things horribly unrealistic and of course, not true) because of my lack of communication with them, my mind makes links between fragments of the few fleeting encounters I've had with them.

This is a disaster, because once I inevitably find real pieces of their lives it slaps me in the face, hard.

I like to think I'm a good judge of character and that being biased can change your views, but I admit there's always an itch to peg someone I know immediately. It makes me feel in control, like I've gotten a hold over the unknowns.

That's my fear at the end of the day I guess, the many unknowns in my life. That and the high esteem I see people in. I guess I'm so convinced that everyone I know is good and because of that thinking I'll make a lapse in judgement, which really sucks when I learn the truth.

I guess I'm trying to learn now that not knowing all things about everyone is okay, and that I don't always have to know everything to be in control, which is always a scary thought. I've gotten so used to being in the mindset that I do, that it's really hard to let that habit grow