" Will you marry me?"
There, the words he blurted out. I freaked out, I asked myself "WHAT SHOULD I DO?".
Me: Zac.. I... I...
Zac: You what?
Me: I can't!
Zac: WHAT?
Me: I can't, I am so sorry! We are still young, too young. It's not that I don't love you that much, it's just that I am not ready yet.
After that, everything became awkward.
Me: Come on, let's sleep.
Zac: I'll sleep on the couch tonight.
Me: Are you sure you don't want to lie down next to your beautiful and nude girlfriend?
Zac: I'll pass, goodnight.
After that night, we drifted apart. Even if we drifted apart, I still loved him. After a month , he stopped going to school. I was worried about him, I did my best to find him but I couldn't. He never answered my calls. When I came to visit his house, no one would answer. Our time away from each other made me realize a lot of things, but the most important one was that I couldn't live without him, and if marrying him would ensure our future together, I'd be willing to do it. Another month has passed but still no sign of him. Then I remembered his cousin, Kylie. I did my best to look for her in school but apparently, she dropped out. I looked all over for her. One day, as I was walking along the street, I heard a voice calling out to me.
Me: Who's there?
Kylie: It's me.
Me: Kylie? What happened? You look awful.
She was wearing ragged clothes. She was covered with dirt.
Kylie: After Zac went away, I became a beggar. No one would take care of me. My parents don't even know me anymore, they have their own families. I don't wanna destroy their new lives.
Me: Wait, you actually know where Zac is?
Kylie: Of course.
Me: Take me to him.
Kylie: Are you sure?
Me: OF COURSE I AM.
She took to me to a mountain. We were alone.
Me: Wait, why are we here? Where is Zac? Did you trick me?
Kylie: He is here.
She pointed at the ground. There, I saw a gravestone that stated, " Here lies Zac Smith, a guy who was loved by everyone. RIP"
Kylie: He went away, he left me to go to heaven.
I couldn't stop my tears from pouring.
Me: How did this happen? Why did he die?
Kylie: Remember when he was part of a car accident? Well, his heart was actually punctured by a metal rod from a moving van. The doctors saved him by putting a plaster inside the heart. The plaster helps the heart pump blood. He was still gonna die, sooner or later. The doctors said that he would still be alive for a year, unless he undergoes a painful shock emotionally. You didn't accept his proposal, right? That triggered his death. Well, he didn't die directly, he had 1 more month to live. Thank you Mon, thank you for killing him. You showed the ultimate form of love, sacrifice. You sacrificed seeing him, being with him, so he would be in a better place. You saved him from the torment he was going through. He told you about how his father died from overdose, right? That's actually the reason why Thea left and moved to New Jersey with Uncle Jack.And I am pretty sure he told you about how his mother beats him up every night, blaming him for his dad's death and for his sister's departure. The only one that kept him alive was you. His love for you was too strong, he sacrificed living in this harsh world just to be with you. But he couldn't take it when you said no so thank you so much, for saving him. He actually told me to give you this ring, both your names are actually engraved on this ring. I couldn't find you, until today! Oh wait, this letter too.
I was in awe. I didn't know what to do anymore. I regret everything I didn't do. I regret not saying yes. I regret not being with him in his last moments. I opened the letter and it read,
Dear Babe,
I am sorry for giving up. I never wanted it to end this way. I always thought we would end up together. I thought we'd have 3 kids, two girls and a boy. I thought we'd be perfect parents. I always envisioned you as a great mother. Too bad, I won't be able to make it. Hey, I know I've been distant lately, I just didn't want to hurt you. I was gonna die. The plaster in my heart broke. It's not your fault, I was too stupid to ask you. I already knew you'd say no, I just couldn't accept it. But even if you said no, I still loved you. I still looked out for you. I just stopped talking cause I was already dying. Every second of every day, my life was taken away from me. But it's okay, I never even lived anyway. I only started living when I met you. To really live, not just physically, but live as a real human being. Thank you for making me experience it. Before I met you, I wanted to face death right way. But now, after all we've been through, I just can't look at you without crying. All I think about is living a life with you, but I just can't. My heart won't allow it. Thank you Mon, I love you. I am sorry. Don't ever stop singing! Be a successful singer for me. I love you, more than you would ever know.
Sincerely,
Babe
My heart sank. I was blank. I asked myself "Why him?" He never deserved to die. I regret not telling him what I really felt. Until this day, I still regret the words I never said. "Yes, I'll marry you." It has been 10 years since he died yet I still loathe my self for not saying yes. He would've met our 10 year old daughter Macey. Not wearing condoms gave me an angel. Without her, I would've killed myself by now. I may have dropped out of high school because of her. She's still the girl I owe my life to. She fueled my fire to write songs and sing, to fulfill the dream Zac had for me. Now, I have 10 number 1 hits. But without Zac in my life, I still feel incomplete. I've been lying to myself, saying " Life is well" cause it's not, it has never been, ever since he died. I've been living a lie. You only live once so make the right choices, say the right words cause if you don't, you'll probably end up living a life that will always lack something no matter what you do. Zac, where ever you are, always know, I never stopped loving you.
-END
